Is Nagging Killing Your Marriage?

If you follow me on Twitter (@MHCenters), you may have seen a tweet a few days ago that said "LADIES: Don't talk to your man like he's a 5 yr old in public places. So degrading #buildhimup #sonaggy #yourenothismom #embarrassing". This little rant of a tweet came about while I was at Starbucks, waiting patiently in line behind a young married couple and I was absolutely appalled by how she was speaking to him. He simply asked her what she would like to drink before she left to use the ladies room and her response was given like she was trying to explain rocket science to a toddler. She was EXPECTING him to get her order wrong. In fact, she was so sure he'd mess up that she decided to stay and even place his order for him like she was his mother. I immediately noticed his shoulders shrink down and a look of embarrassment come over his face. She had taken every ounce of 'man' out of him within a few seconds. My assumption is that the lesson he learned that day was "Don't try to do anything nice for your wife because you're going to mess it up anyway." I'm sure her intention was not to emasculate her husband, however this was most definitely the result of her actions. 


Does your nagging build up your partner's self-confidence and make them feel trusted? Or is it tearing them down to the point where they don't even bother trying any more? Has nagging caused bitterness and resentment to build up in your relationship? Do you hate being a nag, but feel that when you don't nothing gets done? I found this great little article about communication and how to stop nagging at http://blog.poweroftwomarriage.com/2012/02/marriage-issues/ that I think makes some great points. It's also a great follow-up to our previous blog How To Have A Healthy Argument, which outlines, step by step, how to have open and honest communication in your relationship, without ending up in a screaming match. If you have been through the Relationship BootCamp, you will recognize some of this from the "What I desire..." exercise.


This article makes a great point about understanding your partner's motivations and feelings and how to take that into consideration when you need to get something done.

Marriage Issues: How to stop nagging before it kills your marriage

Posted on February 16, 2012 in categories: Communication, Marriage in the News and Naomi. 0 Comments

Nagging is one of the most debilitating marriage issues, right up there with adultery as a leading cause of divorce, says Wall Street Journal columnist Elizabeth Bernstein.Nagging is a pattern of negative communication in a relationship. One person asks for something and receives either a vague response or silence. The asking continues, inciting more resistance in the other person.

According to Bernstein’s research, women are more prone to nag because they are conditioned to feel responsible for managing home life. They are also more sensitive to signs that there is something wrong with their spouse. A vague or non-response from their spouse tends to worry women, and so they continue asking. An anxious, obsessive, or highly organized personality of any gender will be more inclined to nag.At the same time, nagees report feeling scolded like a child, not being trusted to be responsible, and having their needs and way of doing things unappreciated. Many couples begin fighting about nagging  and end up ignoring the core issues underneath–each individual’s concerns and needs.

Here are some tips for dealing with nagging before it becomes one of your worst marriage issues:

1. Admit you are part of the problem.When it comes to the nagging cycle, both parties are guilty and both have work to do to solve their marriage issues. The good news is, there are many steps you can take to find win-win solutions that will leave you both satisfied.

2. When you ask for things, try to frame your request in the least aggressive way possible. The wife in the article began using Post-it notes with funny messages from, for example, the sink that needed unclogging. By communicating through notes instead of face-to-face her husband didn’t feel so attacked and stressed.

3. Try an experiment. Ask once, give a reasonable deadline, and then wait–no more asking in between! Chances are, your spouse will end up accomplishing the task. This may help you realize that he/she does things at his/her own pace, and your requests do get honored in the end. If he doesn’t follow through, you two need to site down and talk about expectations. Begin by explaining your own feelings –how you feel let down and frustrated when something that matters to you is left undone–to avoid being accusatory. Remain open-minded and interested to hear his side of the story.

4. For repeated things that need to get done, such as chores, make a written agreement of how and when each task will be accomplished. Explain to each other what you are willing and able to do each week, and how you prefer to have it done. If you disagree about something, remember to look deep into your underlying reason behind your opinion–don’t get stuck on one solution to your concern when you can find another solution that works for both of you!

Working through nagging issues involves much learning about “what makes the other person tick.” You will grow closer from the process and your marriage will grow stronger!

To register for the Relationship BootCamp, The Exclusive Couples Retreat or to sign up for coaching, please visit us at www.MarriageHelpCenters.com