Romantic Ways to Pop the Question on Christmas Eve

Christmas is known as one of the most romantic times of the year, and rightfully so! Who can resist feeling all warm and fuzzy inside when you're surrounded by bright lights, white snow, winter wonderlands, hot cocoa & mittens. Couples find themselves cozying up under the blankets on the sofa, holding mitten-protected hands while ice skating and sneaking little "this is a moment to remember" glances at each other as they decorate the Christmas tree. The air is filled with hope, generosity, love and cheer.

So, what could be more romantic than proposing to her on one of the most romantic nights of the year; Christmas Eve? Here are a few ideas for you to make this a night she will never forget:

Romantic ways to propose on Christmas Eve:

Power Down: If you're wanting a very intimate proposal, this is a great way to incorporate the Christmas theme.
Turn off all of the lights on the Christmas tree except on one single white light and place the ring on that light. When she enters the room, she will surely be curious to see why there is only 1 light on and her special surprise will be all lit up. Drop down on one knee and tell her how she has lit up your life and why you want her to be your wife.

Family Sing-Along: If you and your bride-to-be enjoy your Christmas eve with your families and you'd like to involve them in your special moment, try this family-friendly festivity.
Whatever your traditions are on that evening, incorporate having a little sing-along and have your family rehearse singing Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is You". You can start off casual by having one of the kids request the song and then have the entire family turn towards her while you take the solo (you may want to lip-sync) and get down on one knee and pull out the ring! Her cheeks are sure to turn rosy and her answer is sure to be yes.

Spell it out: If you're the kind of guy who gets nervous that he won't be able to actually utter the words when the moment comes, this is a great way to just spell it right out for her. Take all-white Christmas lights and spell out "Will you marry me?" in your back yard, on the drive way, on a beach, in a park, or somewhere you've shared a special moment together. The image of those words lit up in Christmas lights will be forever imprinted in her heart.

Have relationship questions? Struggling in your marriage or not sure if you are ready to get married? Visit us at www.RelationshipHelpCenters.com and check out the Relationship BootCamp and Couples Retreat. You can also speak with one of our coaches for FREE today! 

Who's Packing Your Parachute- Lest We Forget

Who's Packing Your Parachute?

Lest We Forget

In our lives, we often overlook the 'little people' who have helped us along the way. I heard this story a few weeks ago used in a sermon about gratitude on Canadian Thanksgiving (at Coastal Church, Vancouver). With Veterans(USA)/Remembrance(CDN) Day upon us, I find this to be such an appropriate and inspiring story to share with all of you. I have always believed in being grateful for the people in my life, but have often overlooked the 'unseen' who contribute to my health, success, happiness, etc. In his story, Darren Hardy relates showing gratitude to business principles, but this can be and SHOULD be applied in all areas of our lives; our spouses, parents, kids, family members, coworkers, friends, the guy who changes your oil, the lady who bagged your groceries, the teacher who encouraged you, the soldier who fought for your freedom... everyone who contributes positively into your life. Please share this story with others as the world needs a little more kindness and gratitude in it! #LivingAboveTheLine 

Please take a moment to thank someone who serves or has served your country for your freedom this weekend. No matter what your political beliefs, be thankful for the luxuries we as Americans and Canadians enjoy every single day because of what others have sacrificed for us. #Thankful #LestWeForget

Who’s Packing Your Parachute?

A couple years ago I interviewed Charlie Plumb, who was a U.S. Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. I learned a very valuable leadership lesson that I’d like to pass on to you here.

Charlie flew 74 consecutive successful combat missions. However on his 75th mission his F4 Phantom fighter plane was shot down by a surface-to-air missile. The plane exploded with some 12,000 pounds of jet fuel, flipping the plane topsy-turvy, end-over-end, down toward a rice paddy below.

Charlie was forced to eject. The only thing between him and imminent death was his parachute that he prayed would open…

Then finally he felt the opening shock of the parachute. During the 90 seconds of descent he was being shot at. “The audacity of this enemy,” Charlie said, “they just knocked down my multimillion-dollar airplane and now they’re trying to kill the pilot!”

Charlie made it down to the ground alive, but was then captured and spent 2,103 brutal days as a prisoner of war in a communist Vietnamese prison camp.

Many years after being repatriated, Charlie, his wife and another couple were sitting in a little restaurant in Kansas City together before going to a theater show that night.

Two tables over was this guy who kept looking at him. Charlie would look back but didn’t recognize him, but he kept catching this guy staring at him. Finally the guy stood up and walked over to Charlie’s table and pointed at him with a sort of a stern look on his face and he said, “You’re Captain Plumb.” Charlie looked up at him and said, “Yes, I am Captain Plumb.” The guy said, “You’re that guy. You flew jet fighters in Vietnam. You’re a fighter pilot, part of that ‘Top Gun’ outfit. You launched from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk, you parachuted into enemy territory and you spent six years as a prisoner of war.”

Somewhat dumbfounded Charlie looked up at the guy and asked, “How in the world did you know all that?” The man chuckled, smiled and said, “Because I packed your parachute.”

Charlie was speechless. The man grabbed Charlie’s hand and pumped his arm and said, “I guess it worked” and walked off.

Charlie laid awake that night thinking about all the times he had walked through the long narrow room, below sea level on the aircraft carrier, with the tables where the men packed the parachutes. How many times he must have walked past this man without even saying “hi,” “good morning” or “good job” or “I appreciate what you do.”

“How many times did I pass the man whose job would eventually save my life… because I was a jet jockey, a Top Gun racing around the sky at twice the speed of sound. Because I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor.”

Think about this for yourself. How many times in life do you pass the people who help you out the most? The people who come out of the far corners of your life just when you need them the most and pack your parachutes for you? The people who go the extra mile, the people who don’t look for the kudos or the accolades or the achievement medal or even the bonus check—the folks who are just out there packing parachutes?

So here’s what I want to challenge you to do. Look around your organization for the people who might not be the ‘Top Guns’ of your organization, the loud and brazen leaders, but the ones who support the system that enables the Top Guns to fly. And if something goes wrong it will be because they did their job that no one gets hurt or a customer doesn’t go neglected.

This week find 5 parachute packers in your organization and tell them how much you appreciate them and how important are the things they do for the organization. Because, in the end, it might just be them who save your life or your business, or at least save the day.

After you have acknowledged your 5 people, I would love to hear about your experience. Please share them with the rest of us.

(from Darren Hardy's Blog http://darrenhardy.success.com/2012/07/whos-packing-your-parachute/) November 9, 2012 

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Can Facebook Ruin Your Marriage?

Between texting, emails, Twitter, Facebook and all of the other technology we have adopted as part of our lives, marriages and relationships are facing a whole new slew of complications in 2012. This 'unchartered territory' is so new in our worlds that, a lot of times, we have not really sat down to lay out our boundaries or moral standards when it comes to these things. As a society, we are still feeling it out so the 'social rules' to social media have not yet been set. But beware because according to this article, updating your Facebook status could contribute to changing your marital status:


"Can Facebook Ruin Your Marriage?
ABC News Radio -- It turns out the kiss of death for marriages might be more like a poke. 
May 24, 2012

A third of all divorce filings in 2011 contained the word "Facebook," according to Divorce Online. And more than 80 percent of U.S. divorce attorneys say social networking in divorce proceedings is on the rise, according to the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. 

Divorce lawyer Marian Rosen, who practices in Houston, said she's increasingly seen social media cited in divorce proceedings and child custody battles. 

"We've had instances where they pull up Facebook in the course of a deposition," Rosen told ABC News, adding that in addition to proving infidelity, she's seen cases in which children's profiles are cited as evidence to suggest bad parenting. "Once it's out there for the world, it's very difficult … to erase from the past. There are going to be trails that can be followed." 

Three years ago, 20 percent of divorce filings contained the word "Facebook." By 2011, it had risen to 33 percent, according to AAML. Despite the increase, the top Facebook mentions were the same: inappropriate messages to "friends" of the opposite sex, and cruel posts or comments between separated spouses. Sometimes, Facebook friends would tattle to one partner in a relationship about bad behavior by the other." 



This isn't to say that social media is a bad thing. Most of us enjoy catching up with old friends, browsing through pictures of family across the country or joining in a conversation about current events but it's how we use it that can create issues. Here are some guidelines that we teach at our Couples Retreat, Relationship BootCamp and with our coaching clients to help avoid a social media mishap in your marriage:

1. Profile picture portrayal: Choose a photo of you and your partner and/or family as your profile picture. This is the easiest way say "Hey, I'm taken."
2. Keep it public: Don't engage in private messaging with someone of the opposite sex. If there's nothing to hide you don't need to keep it between the two of you. This also goes for passwords. You shouldn't NEED to creep through your spouses Facebook or email, but you should have the ability to.
3. Laptop vs Lingerie: Don't invite your 800 Facebook friends into your bed with you. The glowing hue of your screen is not the sexiest lighting to set the mood or create a little romance in the bedroom. 
4. Face Time: Monitor how much time you spend on your social media. Your partner may begin to feel rejected or less important than your Twitter feed. Have real, old fashioned face to face conversations about what is going on in your lives. Communicating with your spouse is more important than knowing what your old high school teacher ate for lunch today.
5. Keep it PG: Monitor your emotional reactions when a co-worker 'likes' your picture or an old friend comments on your update. If it feels like flirting, it probably is. Being behind a screen often breaks our guard down and people often say things they would never say in person or in front of someone else. Be careful with this because these little strokes to the ego can often lead to more than just a 'poke' or a 'like'. 
6. Viral Venting: Your newsfeed should not be where your best friend finds out that you and your spouse had a huge fight last night and that you know think he/she is a complete moron! Do NOT bash your spouse or your relationship to your Twitter followers. Once it's out there, it's out there and you can never get it back. Confide in a friend, hire a relationship coach or attend a Relationship BootCamp to deal with the issue but don't go around bad-talking each other all over the world wide web, it's childish and humiliating for both of you.

If you are struggling in your relationship due to social media or anything else please visit us at www.RelationshipHelpCenters.com for more information about the Exclusive Couples Retreat and the Relationship BootCamp. 

Relationship Relapse- Are You At Risk?- Part 1

Moving Forward- How to Avoid a Relationship Relapse

Part 1

After a Relationship BootCamp or Exclusive Couples Retreat, we always encourage couples and singles to continue their growth through coaching, volunteering, small groups and accountability partners because there is such a high risk of relapsing into our old ways. We are creatures of habit and are constantly wanting to fall back into our comfort zones. It's in our nature to take the path of least resistance... the easy way out. If this weren't true, the personal training industry would be dead. We want to grow, change, evolve, but it takes work and when push comes to shove, reverting to our old ways often feels easier. However, the downfall is when we relapse into our old ways, we end up with our old results, leaving us with feelings of disappointment, shame, anger and bitterness. These are all a part of living below the line and lead us right back to where we started: UNHAPPY!

If you've attended the Relationship BootCamp or the Exclusive Couples Retreat, you know how much energy you invested into your growth and you want to take that to the next level. But in order to move forward to the next level, you must first master the gains you've made so that you don't relapse.

Relapse: to suffer deterioration after a period of improvement, to return to a less active or worse state


So how do you hold on to what you've gained and avoid a relationship relapse? Hold on to what you've gained! Imagine each improvement as a step. Your steps may include things like being more open and vulnerable, spending more alone time with your partner or being more affectionate. Maybe you're working on your anger or intimacy issues. Whatever it is, each one is a step. If you try to run all the way up the steps and you trip, you will fall all the way back down to the bottom. Whereas if you take your time and learn each step, if, and when you trip (because you will, we all will), you will most likely only fall back one or two steps. When you land on that step, you will have already mastered it and be better prepared to move forward again, rather than being devastated that you have fallen back so far.

It's important to recognize the patterns that lead to relapse in order to stop yourself from falling backwards. Here are the 3 C's to be aware of:

1. COMPLACENCY: When we get comfortable with the short-term gains we have made and stop working towards what we really want. 
2. CONFUSION: When we rationalize and tend to 'forget' how bad it really was down there. 
3. COMPROMISE: When we think we are strong enough and start putting ourselves back into situations where we are tempted to fall backwards. 

Take a moment to really recognize where you are at in your growth. Give yourself credit for how far you have come, but be aware of these 3 C's that will lead to a relationship relapse. 

BE, DO, HAVE

BE committed to DO what it takes to HAVE what you want!

If you would like to speak with one of our coaches or register for one of our 4 Day Intensive programs please contact us at 1.866.322.6862 or visit our website for more info www.RelationshipHelpCenters.com 








This blog was inspired by a message from Pastor Dave Koop at CoastalChurch.org, Sunday, May 6, 2012. 

A Laugh A Day Keeps More Than The Doctor Away

Want more energy, joy and health in your life? Laughter truly is one of the best medicines. There are no crazy side-effects to worry about, it's all-natural, completely organic, gluten & lactose free and it doesn't cost a penny! There are amazing emotional, mental, physical and social benefits to laughing and all it takes is making a little effort to take time in your day to enjoy yourself and have a little giggle, chuckle or a full-blown belly howl. 

Laughter is the Best Medicine

THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF HUMOR AND LAUGHTER

Humor is infectious. The sound of roaring laughter is far more contagious than any cough, sniffle, or sneeze. When laughter is shared, it binds people together and increases happiness and intimacy. In addition to the domino effect of joy and amusement, laughter also triggers healthy physical changes in the body. Humor and laughter strengthen your immune system, boost your energy, diminish pain, and protect you from the damaging effects of stress. Best of all, this priceless medicine is fun, free, and easy to use.

Laughter is strong medicine for mind and body

“Your sense of humor is one of the most powerful tools you have to make certain that your daily mood and emotional state support good health.”

~ Paul E. McGhee, Ph.D.

Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain, and conflict. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert.

With so much power to heal and renew, the ability to laugh easily and frequently is a tremendous resource for surmounting problems, enhancing your relationships, and supporting both physical and emotional health.

Laughter is good for your health

• Laughter relaxes the whole body. A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after.
• Laughter boosts the immune system. Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease.
• Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain.
• Laughter protects the heart. Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems.

The Benefits of Laughter
Physical Health Benefits: Boosts immunity Lowers stress hormones Decreases pain Relaxes your muscles Prevents heart disease	Mental Health Benefits: Adds joy and zest to life Eases anxiety and fear Relieves stress Improves mood Enhances resilience	Social Benefits: Strengthens relationships Attracts others to us Enhances teamwork Helps defuse conflict Promotes group bonding

Laughter and humor help you stay emotionally healthy

Laughter makes you feel good. And the good feeling that you get when you laugh remains with you even after the laughter subsides. Humor helps you keep a positive, optimistic outlook through difficult situations, disappointments, and loss.

More than just a respite from sadness and pain, laughter gives you the courage and strength to find new sources of meaning and hope. Even in the most difficult of times, a laugh–or even simply a smile–can go a long way toward making you feel better. And laughter really is contagious—just hearing laughter primes your brain and readies you to smile and join in the fun.

The link between laughter and mental health

• Laughter dissolves distressing emotions. You can’t feel anxious, angry, or sad when you’re laughing.
• Laughter helps you relax and recharge. It reduces stress and increases energy, enabling you to stay focused and accomplish more.
• Humor shifts perspective, allowing you to see situations in a more realistic, less threatening light. A humorous perspective creates psychological distance, which can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed.

The social benefits of humor and laughter

Humor and playful communication strengthen our relationships by triggering positive feelings and fostering emotional connection. When we laugh with one another, a positive bond is created. This bond acts as a strong buffer against stress, disagreements, and disappointment.

Laughing with others is more powerful than laughing alone

Creating opportunities to laugh

• Watch a funny movie or TV show.
• Go to a comedy club.
• Read the funny pages.
• Seek out funny people.
• Share a good joke or a funny story.
• Check out your bookstore’s humor section.
• Host game night with friends.
• Play with a pet.
• Go to a “laughter yoga” class.
• Goof around with children.
• Do something silly.
• Make time for fun activities (e.g. bowling, miniature golfing, karaoke).

Shared laughter is one of the most effective tools for keeping relationships fresh and exciting. All emotional sharing builds strong and lasting relationship bonds, but sharing laughter and play also adds joy, vitality, and resilience. And humor is a powerful and effective way to heal resentments, disagreements, and hurts. Laughter unites people during difficult times.

Incorporating more humor and play into your daily interactions can improve the quality of your love relationships— as well as your connections with co-workers, family members, and friends. Using humor and laughter in relationships allows you to:

• Be more spontaneous. Humor gets you out of your head and away from your troubles.
• Let go of defensiveness. Laughter helps you forget judgments, criticisms, and doubts.
• Release inhibitions. Your fear of holding back and holding on are set aside.
• Express your true feelings. Deeply felt emotions are allowed to rise to the surface.

Bringing more humor and laughter into your life

Want to bring the fun? Get a pet…

Most of us have experienced the joy of playing with a furry friend, and pets are a rewarding way to bring more laughter and joy into your life. But did you know that having a pet is also good for your mental and physical health? Studies show that pets can protect you depression, stress, and even heart disease.

Laughter is your birthright, a natural part of life that is innate and inborn. Infants begin smiling during the first weeks of life and laugh out loud within months of being born. Even if you did not grow up in a household where laughter was a common sound, you can learn to laugh at any stage of life.

Begin by setting aside special times to seek out humor and laughter, as you might with working out, and build from there. Eventually, you’ll want to incorporate humor and laughter into the fabric of your life, finding it naturally in everything you do.

Here are some ways to start:

• Smile. Smiling is the beginning of laughter. Like laughter, it’s contagious. Pioneers in “laugh therapy,” find it’s possible to laugh without even experiencing a funny event. The same holds for smiling. When you look at someone or see something even mildly pleasing, practice smiling.
• Count your blessings. Literally make a list. The simple act of considering the good things in your life will distance you from negative thoughts that are a barrier to humor and laughter. When you’re in a state of sadness, you have further to travel to get to humor and laughter.
• When you hear laughter, move toward it. Sometimes humor and laughter are private, a shared joke among a small group, but usually not. More often, people are very happy to share something funny because it gives them an opportunity to laugh again and feed off the humor you find in it. When you hear laughter, seek it out and ask, “What’s funny?”
• Spend time with fun, playful people. These are people who laugh easily–both at themselves and at life’s absurdities–and who routinely find the humor in everyday events. Their playful point of view and laughter are contagious.
• Bring humor into conversations. Ask people, “What’s the funniest thing that happened to you today? This week? In your life?”

Developing your sense of humor: Take yourself less seriously

One essential characteristic that helps us laugh is not taking ourselves too seriously. We’ve all known the classic tight-jawed sourpuss who takes everything with deathly seriousness and never laughs at anything. No fun there!

Some events are clearly sad and not occasions for laughter. But most events in life don’t carry an overwhelming sense of either sadness or delight. They fall into the gray zone of ordinary life–giving you the choice to laugh or not.

Ways to help yourself see the lighter side of life:

• Laugh at yourself. Share your embarrassing moments. The best way to take yourself less seriously is to talk about times when you took yourself too seriously.
• Attempt to laugh at situations rather than bemoan them. Look for the humor in a bad situation, and uncover the irony and absurdity of life. This will help improve your mood and the mood of those around you.
• Surround yourself with reminders to lighten up. Keep a toy on your desk or in your car. Put up a funny poster in your office. Choose a computer screensaver that makes you laugh. Frame photos of you and your family or friends having fun.
• Keep things in perspective. Many things in life are beyond your control—particularly the behavior of other people. While you might think taking the weight of the world on your shoulders is admirable, in the long run it’s unrealistic, unproductive, unhealthy, and even egotistical.
• Deal with your stress. Stress is a major impediment to humor and laughter.
• Pay attention to children and emulate them. They are the experts on playing, taking life lightly, and laughing.

Checklist for lightening up

When you find yourself taken over by what seems to be a horrible problem, ask these questions:

• Is it really worth getting upset over?
• Is it worth upsetting others?
• Is it that important?

• Is it that bad?
• Is the situation irreparable?
• Is it really your problem?

Using humor and play to overcome challenges and enhance your life

The ability to laugh, play, and have fun with others not only makes life more enjoyable but also helps you solve problems, connect with others, and be more creative. People who incorporate humor and play into their daily lives find that it renews them and all of their relationships.

Life brings challenges that can either get the best of you or become playthings for your imagination. When you “become the problem” and take yourself too seriously, it can be hard to think outside the box and find new solutions. But when you play with the problem, you can often transform it into an opportunity for creative learning.

Playing with problems seems to come naturally to children. When they are confused or afraid, they make their problems into a game, giving them a sense of control and an opportunity to experiment with new solutions. Interacting with others in playful ways helps you retain this creative ability.

Here are two examples of people who took everyday problems and turned them around through laughter and play:

Roy, a semi-retired businessman, was excited to finally have time to devote to golf, his favorite sport. But the more he played, the less he enjoyed himself. Although his game had improved dramatically, he got angry with himself over every mistake. Roy wisely realized that his golfing buddies affected his attitude, so he stopped playing with people who took the game too seriously. When he played with friends who focused more on having fun than on their scores, he was less critical of himself. Now golfing was as enjoyable as Roy hoped it would be. He scored better without working harder. And the brighter outlook he was getting from his companions and the game spread to other parts of his life, including his work.

Jane worked at home designing greeting cards, a job she used to love but now felt had become routine. Two little girls who loved to draw and paint lived next door. Eventually, Jane invited the girls in to play with all the art supplies she had. At first, she just watched, but in time she joined in. Laughing, coloring, and playing pretend with the little girls transformed Jane’s life. Not only did playing with them end her loneliness and mild boredom, it sparked her imagination and helped her artwork flourish. Best of all, it rekindled the playfulness and spark in Jane’s relationship with her husband.

As laughter, humor, and play become an integrated part of your life, your creativity will flourish and new discoveries for playing with friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and loved ones will occur to you daily. Humor takes you to a higher place where you can view the world from a more relaxed, positive, creative, joyful, and balanced perspective
.

Article taken from http://www.helpguide.org/life/humor_laughter_health.htm on Wednesday April 18, 2012

For more tips on marriage, relationships, health and Living Above the Line visit us at www.marriagehelpcenters.com and receive a free 30 minute coaching call. 

Could Getting a Cup of Tea for Your Spouse Save Your Marriage? Studies Point to Yes!

Enlarge this image

The secret to a happy marriage? Small acts of kindness

SARAH HAMPSON

From Monday's Globe and Mail

Published Sunday, Jan. 08, 2012 4:00PM 

• e

Forget the expensive bauble he gave you over the holidays. And it’s not about the trip your wife promised. Nor is it a matter of who wears the pants in the family.

The secret to marital happiness is as simple as making your spouse tea in the morning. Turning down his side of the bed. Giving her a back rub.

Small acts of kindness are not just what we should be practising in the world at large, it would seem, but also right in our homes.

The generous marriage has a much greater chance of being a happy one.

That’s the finding of a recent study by the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project, examining the role of generosity in marriages. Defined as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly,” such thoughtfulness adds a new dimension to our understanding of how couples can build a strong, stable partnership, say the researchers. Their questions were directed in three areas. Did spouses offer small kindnesses to each other? Did they regularly express affection? Were they able to forgive? The researchers claim that this is the first empirical study of generosity.

A happy marriage is not just about satisfying sex, in other words. (Although, of course, it’s about that, too.)

In fact, sexual satisfaction came first as the factor that cements a partnership, followed by a sense of commitment. Generosity was third. Other factors include a positive attitude about raising children, social support from friends and family and spirituality within marriage. All 2,870 couples studied had children.

Undertaken in co-operation with the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values, an organization headed up by Elizabeth Marquardt, a famously pro-marriage family scholar who argued in her book,Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce, that even amicable divorces profoundly shape the lives of children in negative ways, the study set out to counter what it calls “the increasingly individualistic tenor of modern life.”

In that way, the study can be seen as another backlash against the popular divorce culture, not unlike books such as Mark O’Connell’s The Marriage Benefit: The Surprising Rewards of Staying Together and Maggie Scarf’sSeptember Songs: The Good News about Marriage in the Later Years which criticized the consumerist attitude in modern marriage – the idea that if a partner no longer pleases you as he did when you first acquired him, you promptly trade him in for a different model.

“Since the 1970s and the advent of the Me Generation in North America, there’s been a stress on seeing marriages as a vehicle for fulfilling individual needs as opposed to (at least in part) an opportunity to serve your spouse on a regular basis, something that is good for both you and your partner,” comments W. Bradford Wilcox, associate professor of sociology at the University of Virginia. As marriage came under scrutiny in the wake of feminism, the focus of most academic study was on issues of gender equality, he notes.

And yet the Holy Grail of the equitable marriage is far trickier to find than a hot cup of tea for your beloved. Among those parents with high scores on the generosity scale, 50 per cent reported their marriage as “very happy.” Among those with lower generosity scores, only 14 per cent claimed to be “very happy.”

“It’s signaling to someone that you want to go above and beyond the call of duty. On a regular basis, it’s signaling that you value them,” says Prof. Wilcox. “It’s really little acts of service that don’t cost a huge amount.”

Feeling appreciated goes a long way to making someone feel good, even if he does have to clean up the kitchen every night. But it’s not about positive reinforcement, the researchers quickly point out. “Generosity is often motivated by a desire to benefit one’s spouse, not to receive reciprocal benefits,” they write in the study.

A generous marriage makes both the giver and the receiver happy. Kind acts help engender a sense of gratitude, which research shows is linked to positive feelings. And the giver benefits from the altruism, another important factor in studies of well-being.

It may seem self-evident – a basic part of being human. But generosity toward loved ones or even friends is often overlooked these days. “Part of it is that people are very busy,” Prof. Wilcox says in a telephone interview. “They’re on their Facebook page or watching TV, and there’s little free time to devote attention elsewhere.” It may also be a function of the child-focused family model, in which helicopter parents spend more time devoted to nurturing their children’s talents and interests than they do cultivating their marriage.

All marriages are opaque, but this study parts the curtain a little bit on those private, domestic behaviours that make partnerships strong. It’s a welcome respite from the popular pastime of cooing over celebrity marriages, seemingly made in heaven, as a couple canoodles on the red carpet only weeks, or even days, before announcing their split.

As a culture we underrate the importance of kindness in our romantic relationships. We think it’s about how “hot” someone is, what kind of car they drive or what someone does for a living. We are enamoured of the grand gesture – being whisked away on a Caribbean holiday at short notice. But the study shows it’s not the big displays of affection but rather the small, frequent, even mundane, ones that matter.

Which reminds me of something Helen Gurley Brown, the former editor of Cosmopolitan, once said to me in an interview. “Forget the charmer,” she advised, wagging a finely manicured finger. “Go for the man who is your best friend.”

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Recommended by Dr. Phil and featured on Gene Simmons Family Jewels, The Relationship BootCamp and Exclusive Couples Retreat get to the root of marriage issues and begin to heal the hurt from the past to be able to embrace the future. Walk away with healthy communication skills, a new perspective in life, and more compassion and understanding for others and yourself. These are life changing programs for you, your relationships and your family. Register today!