Does Marriage Counseling Work?
At Marriage Help Centers, when it comes to registering for the Relationship BootCamp, we're often told "We've tried marriage counselling and it didn't work for us." We hear this all the time, and there may be some truth to this, but why? Below is an article from 'The Marriage Sherpa' with some interesting answers. As a company we believe in marriage counselling, however most of us are impatient beings, and counselling can take a long time before you start to see results. Think of going to the gym. It takes a while before you really start to see weight loss, muscle toning, and increased strength. This is why health clubs often offer "fitness bootcamps". They are so popular because they are intense, specifically designed, and give you a jumpstart into getting fit. But if you don't do anything after you go to a fitness bootcamp, you won't get into shape, you have to follow up and keep going to the gym to get RESULTS! This is like our relationship bootcamp, we give you a jumpstart into healing in yourself and your relationship, but for best LONG TERM RESULTS we recommend you follow up with one of our qualified coaches, join a support group or see a counsellor.
"November 21st, 2011 http://www.marriagesherpa.com/blog/marriage/does_marriage_counseling_work/
Your marriage may be struggling, and you may have considered seeing a marriage counselor but wonder, “Does marriage counseling work?”
As with most things in life, there is not one clear answer.
In this blog, I’ll explain why many are skeptical about marriage counseling: statistics that aren’t too promising when it comes to answering “does marriage counseling work.”
However, you won’t leave this article without first taking two ideas with you for how to start down the road of saving your marriage. Keep reading…
Who does marriage counseling work for?
Does marriage counseling work for anyone?
I recently saw a statistic that said marriage counseling had a failure rate of 75%. How scientifically accurate this percentage is, well, that’s a matter for debate.
If this statistic is in the ballpark of being accurate, then if half of all marriages end in divorce, it sounds like marriage counseling may be helping people… on their way out.
But that means, again using this statistic, that marriage counseling does potentially work 25% of the time.
Whether marriage counseling works or not is affected by many different factors:
• Each spouse’s willingness to consider going to marriage counseling.
• The couple’s ability to stick with counseling.
• Each spouse’s ability to make changes in their response to their partner.
• How far gone the marriage is when the couple enters counseling.
Marriage Counseling Methodology May Be an Issue
In addition, there are some methods that just do not work. That doesn’t mean those methods aren’t still in use, though. There are therapists who are well-meaning, but continue to use methods that they were initially trained in.
This means they aren’t taken advantage of the newest research findings in relational science – which has recognized that some of those traditional methods simply will not work.
Why?
Because you are probably going to marriage counseling for about an hour a week, and that’s all the time and effort going into it. You may try some strategies, but there’s no real program to follow, so you don’t know where you’re headed other than hoping you’ll be “happier” together – an often vague, undefined concept.
If you’re in a relationship that has gone sour, you need to understand why you and your spouse respond to each other the way that you do. Telling you to “not yell at your spouse” does not help you clearly understand why you yell at your spouse. You may continue to think, “It’s because he/she makes me mad.”
You may do fine in the marriage counselor’s office. But then there is the rest of the week ahead that you still need to get through—with no mediator to sit between you.
A New Alternative to Counseling that Can Save Your Marriage
Also, many people don’t stick with it long enough. “We went a few times, things got better, so we stopped going.” And usually, that’s well before any new, positive habits could become implanted.
Here are two tips to help you save your marriage: they involve knowing what you are getting into in order to really save the relationship.
Tip 1: Commit to change in yourself
It’s easy to get caught up in finger-pointing: “He does this” or “She did that” and not take any ownership for your part in the marriage. The relationship is between you and your spouse, and the problems are situated right there in the middle.
If you want to save your marriage, it’s going to take changes on the part of both spouses. If you continue to point your finger at the other for all the problems in the marriage, you will both stay locked in your respective corners, going round after round until the final knockout occurs: becoming another divorce statistic.
The truth is, you will both need to make some changes in order for this to work. You both have bad habits you’ve brought into the relationship, or fell into as a couple. And, if your spouse feels stuck in the idea that they do not need to change, you may need to take the leadership role and do what you can to create new ways of communicating with your spouse.
Tip 2: Self-assessment
Commit to keeping an open mind about the part you play in your marriage. This means you will need to assess how you behave toward your spouse—something that is easier said than done. When it comes to your spouse, are you:
• Speaking disrespectfully to him or her?
• Taking your spouse for granted?
• Tuning out/not listening?
• Displaying irritability/anger?
• Needing to be in the right all the time?
• Practicing passive-aggressiveness?
This is just a small sampling of characteristics. Another way of looking at it is, “Would I talk to or treat my best friend the way I do my spouse?” Most of us can’t say that we would. So, analyze what’s different in how you treat your spouse from how you treat others—including perfect strangers.
My best to you as you and your work to save your marriage, whether on your own or if you decide to try marriage counseling.
Have you considered marriage counseling?
What is your opinion on how well marriage counseling works?
Have you gone to marriage counseling? What was your experience?
Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.
Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,
Stephanie Anderson
Editor-in-Chief
Marriage Sherpa"
To speak with one of our coaches or sign up for the Relationship BootCamp go to www.marriagehelpcenters.com
Yes, marriage counseling really works - but no, it doesn't always. When it doesn't work, there are commonly a few reasons to think about:
ReplyDelete1) One partner was not truly committed to the reason of repairing the relationship.
2) The problem in the relationship is something that either party is unwilling to change.
3) There was resistance to the therapeutic process by one of the parties involved.
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DeleteThank you for the comment. We are believers in marriage counselling, but often find (like you mentioned) that people can be quite resistant to change and also get impatient (and quit) because it can be a slow process.
ReplyDeleteThis is why we developed the intensive 4 day Relationship BootCamp because it is 40 hours of focused and interactive drills and exercises to get to the root of the issues and learn to tools to move passed them.
We strongly recommend coaching or counselling to all of our clients after attending the program to continue their growth.
Thank you for your comment and for reading our blog.
I think the success of a marriage counselling does nor lies on the marriage alone as both couple should so something too for the relationship to be saved.
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Hey there! This is a good read. Keep it up! I will be looking forward to visit your page again and for your other posts as well. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about marital counseling in your area. I'm glad to stop by your site and know more about marital counseling.
ReplyDeleteWith increasing modernization or westernization in many parts of the world and the continuous shift towards isolated nuclear families the trend is towards trained and accredited relationship counselors or couple therapists. Sometimes volunteers are trained by either the Government or social service institutions to help those who are in need of family or marital counseling. Many communities and government departments have their own team of trained voluntary and professional relationship counselors. Similar services are operated by many universities and colleges, sometimes staffed by volunteers from among the student peer group. Some large companies maintain a full-time professional counseling staff to facilitate smoother interactions between corporate employees, to minimize the negative effects that personal difficulties might have on work performance.
A marital relationship is being compromised or threatened and the couple is enlisting the help of a third-party to assist them either to restore a sense of commitment to and well-being in the relationship, or to facilitate a functional termination of the relationship.
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