How to have "Till Death Do Us Part" Without Killing Each Other!

It's not 50/50 according to these over-50's!

At the Relationship BootCamp, we do an exercise where we send the couples out on an "Amazing Love Race". They have to complete certain tasks as a couple. One of the tasks on their list is to find an old couple who have been married for over 50 years and ask them the secret to their success. When I found this article on Huffington Post, it caught my eye because they survey over 1000 older people to find out the same thing! 

There's something to be said for seeking wisdom from those who have made their marriages work... till death do they part. I recently learned that the second most Googled "How to" in Canada in 2012 was "How to love?" so it is evident that we are looking for answers on how to have more successful marriages. There are some amazing nuggets in this article and needless to say, after 50+ years of marriage, it seems these couples have figured things out on how to make it last! 

One of my favourite quotes from the article is:

People always say you have to be more assertive and you have to take what you need but I could never relate to that. I have a friend who keeps going through one marriage after another and saying: 'Well, I didn't get what I needed in that marriage.' And I thought, 'Well, did you give anything out?'"

This is a great example of the 100/100 marriage and precisely what we teach at Relationship Help Centers (Relationship BootCamp & Couples Retreat). 

The Myth of the 50/50 Marriage

What makes for a long marriage? It's a question that social scientists and clinicians have tried to answer for many years, with limited results. We still don't really know why, after the joy of a wedding, one couple ends up on the rocks after a few years and another stays together for five or six decades. 

I decided to seek an answer by trying something new: Asking over 1,000 older people about their experiences in marriage. In the Legacy Project (and a related book), our research team invited these oldest Americans to share their lessons for young couples hoping to stay happily married "until death do us part."

When asked about what makes for a long and satisfying marriage, I was surprised at how many elders used the expression "give and take." Typical comments were: "Well, it's a lot of give and take" and "You can't just give or just take, it has to be both."

Trying to understand the underlying lesson behind what seemed like a cliché, I asked Alvin (87 and married for 63 years): "So you mean that marriage has to be a 50-50 kind of thing, right? A 50-50 proposition?"

He nearly bellowed his disagreement -- that was precisely not what he was saying. "Don't consider a marriage a 50-50 affair! Consider it a 100 percent affair. The only way you can make a marriage work is to have both parties give a hundred percent every time."

It began to make sense: The common belief that marriage is a 50-50 affair is a myth. You can't spend your time calculating "50 percent in, 50 percent back." The attitude has to be one of giving freely. And according to the elders, if you start keeping score you're already in deep trouble.

For long-term success, couples have to orient themselves to giving more than they get. Both individuals are contributing to a relationship, the benefits of which transcend immediate interests on a given day. What couples must avoid -- if they wish to remain together as long as the elders we interviewed -- is keeping score about who is getting more and who is getting less. This kind of economic attitude works with a vending machine: If I put in my dollar, I will get a candy bar of equal value. According to the oldest Americans, this definitely does not work in marriage.

Fifty-four years ago, Kay graduated from college in the morning and was married on campus in the afternoon. She made this point quite clearly.

"Okay. It's not a 50-50 proposition. It's a 90-10. Sometimes you're on the 90, and sometimes you're on the 10. That can vary, depending on where you are, what's the issue on the table. But anybody that goes into marriage saying, "Oh -- this is going to be 50-50," it doesn't happen. You can't live in the same house with the same person all those years and always divide it down the half."

Crystal's long and happy experience of being married to Todd hinges on the idea that marriage is more than a calculated balance of give and take.

"I think we both are not waking up in the morning and saying: 'Oh, am I getting what I need out of this?' We are waking up saying often: 'What can I do for him, or what can I do for her?' For example, my husband's gone through retirement since we've been married, and that was very difficult at first. He didn't know who he was, so his sense of his own usefulness was very tenuous for a while. I remember thinking okay, now I need to wake up in the morning and think: 'He really needs something. He needs a little extra right now.'

Then when I had cancer, he was amazing and I never felt frightened or abandoned. I was in the hospital, I think 25 times or something during a year, and he just drove up and drove back. I used to worry with all these bodily functions -- because you just disintegrate -- but he was fine, he wasn't grossed out or anything. So this is how it goes, it kind of goes up and down like this. Because there's times when one person is taking and needing, and then it's the other person. 

People always say you have to be more assertive and you have to take what you need but I could never relate to that. I have a friend who keeps going through one marriage after another and saying: 'Well, I didn't get what I needed in that marriage.' And I thought, 'Well, did you give anything out?'"

So these long-married elders tell us to stop thinking of marriage as a 50-50 proposition; for decades of life together, you have to throw away the score card. Some elders used the image of a team to make this point, using colorful examples drawn from the past.

Albert, age 80, told me: "[I've been] married 59 years to a very good wife. Instead of worrying about who is winning and who is losing in a marriage, the key is working together, unconcerned about that kind of thing." Albert then provided an image that reveals the core of elder wisdom about marriage.

"Well, there's a local museum here in town. In it there's a life-sized statue of a team of work horses obviously pulling a large load. And at our last anniversary, the kids asked us 'How do you characterize your marriage?' I said, 'Go look at the sculpture, that team of horses. Both of them laying into the harness together.' And written underneath it was: 'As of One Mind.' That sculpture characterizes our marriage. We came through some very hard times. There were times when we didn't know if we were going to make it. But we did it together. If one person goes off and thinks he's going to do it by himself, it isn't going to work.'

The last word goes to Antoinette, married 60 years, who offered this lesson for getting beyond "50-50 thinking" in marriage -- and it works.

"When you wake up in the morning, think 'What can I do to make her day or his day just a little happier?' You need to turn toward each other, and if you focus on the other person even just for that five minutes when you first wake up, it's going to make a big difference in your relationship. That's likely to really work for many years. So start each day thinking about what you can give that special person in your life."

Article written by:

Karl A. Pillemer, Ph.D.

Professor of Human Development, Cornell University; Author, "30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans"

Article found at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karl-a-pillemer-phd/marriage-counseling_b_1860595.html





For more information on any of our programs (The Relationship BootCamp, Couples Retreat or Coaching, please visit us at www.RelationshipHelpCenters.com or call 949.510.

A Laugh A Day Keeps More Than The Doctor Away

Want more energy, joy and health in your life? Laughter truly is one of the best medicines. There are no crazy side-effects to worry about, it's all-natural, completely organic, gluten & lactose free and it doesn't cost a penny! There are amazing emotional, mental, physical and social benefits to laughing and all it takes is making a little effort to take time in your day to enjoy yourself and have a little giggle, chuckle or a full-blown belly howl. 

Laughter is the Best Medicine

THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF HUMOR AND LAUGHTER

Humor is infectious. The sound of roaring laughter is far more contagious than any cough, sniffle, or sneeze. When laughter is shared, it binds people together and increases happiness and intimacy. In addition to the domino effect of joy and amusement, laughter also triggers healthy physical changes in the body. Humor and laughter strengthen your immune system, boost your energy, diminish pain, and protect you from the damaging effects of stress. Best of all, this priceless medicine is fun, free, and easy to use.

Laughter is strong medicine for mind and body

“Your sense of humor is one of the most powerful tools you have to make certain that your daily mood and emotional state support good health.”

~ Paul E. McGhee, Ph.D.

Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain, and conflict. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert.

With so much power to heal and renew, the ability to laugh easily and frequently is a tremendous resource for surmounting problems, enhancing your relationships, and supporting both physical and emotional health.

Laughter is good for your health

• Laughter relaxes the whole body. A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after.
• Laughter boosts the immune system. Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease.
• Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain.
• Laughter protects the heart. Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems.

The Benefits of Laughter
Physical Health Benefits: Boosts immunity Lowers stress hormones Decreases pain Relaxes your muscles Prevents heart disease	Mental Health Benefits: Adds joy and zest to life Eases anxiety and fear Relieves stress Improves mood Enhances resilience	Social Benefits: Strengthens relationships Attracts others to us Enhances teamwork Helps defuse conflict Promotes group bonding

Laughter and humor help you stay emotionally healthy

Laughter makes you feel good. And the good feeling that you get when you laugh remains with you even after the laughter subsides. Humor helps you keep a positive, optimistic outlook through difficult situations, disappointments, and loss.

More than just a respite from sadness and pain, laughter gives you the courage and strength to find new sources of meaning and hope. Even in the most difficult of times, a laugh–or even simply a smile–can go a long way toward making you feel better. And laughter really is contagious—just hearing laughter primes your brain and readies you to smile and join in the fun.

The link between laughter and mental health

• Laughter dissolves distressing emotions. You can’t feel anxious, angry, or sad when you’re laughing.
• Laughter helps you relax and recharge. It reduces stress and increases energy, enabling you to stay focused and accomplish more.
• Humor shifts perspective, allowing you to see situations in a more realistic, less threatening light. A humorous perspective creates psychological distance, which can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed.

The social benefits of humor and laughter

Humor and playful communication strengthen our relationships by triggering positive feelings and fostering emotional connection. When we laugh with one another, a positive bond is created. This bond acts as a strong buffer against stress, disagreements, and disappointment.

Laughing with others is more powerful than laughing alone

Creating opportunities to laugh

• Watch a funny movie or TV show.
• Go to a comedy club.
• Read the funny pages.
• Seek out funny people.
• Share a good joke or a funny story.
• Check out your bookstore’s humor section.
• Host game night with friends.
• Play with a pet.
• Go to a “laughter yoga” class.
• Goof around with children.
• Do something silly.
• Make time for fun activities (e.g. bowling, miniature golfing, karaoke).

Shared laughter is one of the most effective tools for keeping relationships fresh and exciting. All emotional sharing builds strong and lasting relationship bonds, but sharing laughter and play also adds joy, vitality, and resilience. And humor is a powerful and effective way to heal resentments, disagreements, and hurts. Laughter unites people during difficult times.

Incorporating more humor and play into your daily interactions can improve the quality of your love relationships— as well as your connections with co-workers, family members, and friends. Using humor and laughter in relationships allows you to:

• Be more spontaneous. Humor gets you out of your head and away from your troubles.
• Let go of defensiveness. Laughter helps you forget judgments, criticisms, and doubts.
• Release inhibitions. Your fear of holding back and holding on are set aside.
• Express your true feelings. Deeply felt emotions are allowed to rise to the surface.

Bringing more humor and laughter into your life

Want to bring the fun? Get a pet…

Most of us have experienced the joy of playing with a furry friend, and pets are a rewarding way to bring more laughter and joy into your life. But did you know that having a pet is also good for your mental and physical health? Studies show that pets can protect you depression, stress, and even heart disease.

Laughter is your birthright, a natural part of life that is innate and inborn. Infants begin smiling during the first weeks of life and laugh out loud within months of being born. Even if you did not grow up in a household where laughter was a common sound, you can learn to laugh at any stage of life.

Begin by setting aside special times to seek out humor and laughter, as you might with working out, and build from there. Eventually, you’ll want to incorporate humor and laughter into the fabric of your life, finding it naturally in everything you do.

Here are some ways to start:

• Smile. Smiling is the beginning of laughter. Like laughter, it’s contagious. Pioneers in “laugh therapy,” find it’s possible to laugh without even experiencing a funny event. The same holds for smiling. When you look at someone or see something even mildly pleasing, practice smiling.
• Count your blessings. Literally make a list. The simple act of considering the good things in your life will distance you from negative thoughts that are a barrier to humor and laughter. When you’re in a state of sadness, you have further to travel to get to humor and laughter.
• When you hear laughter, move toward it. Sometimes humor and laughter are private, a shared joke among a small group, but usually not. More often, people are very happy to share something funny because it gives them an opportunity to laugh again and feed off the humor you find in it. When you hear laughter, seek it out and ask, “What’s funny?”
• Spend time with fun, playful people. These are people who laugh easily–both at themselves and at life’s absurdities–and who routinely find the humor in everyday events. Their playful point of view and laughter are contagious.
• Bring humor into conversations. Ask people, “What’s the funniest thing that happened to you today? This week? In your life?”

Developing your sense of humor: Take yourself less seriously

One essential characteristic that helps us laugh is not taking ourselves too seriously. We’ve all known the classic tight-jawed sourpuss who takes everything with deathly seriousness and never laughs at anything. No fun there!

Some events are clearly sad and not occasions for laughter. But most events in life don’t carry an overwhelming sense of either sadness or delight. They fall into the gray zone of ordinary life–giving you the choice to laugh or not.

Ways to help yourself see the lighter side of life:

• Laugh at yourself. Share your embarrassing moments. The best way to take yourself less seriously is to talk about times when you took yourself too seriously.
• Attempt to laugh at situations rather than bemoan them. Look for the humor in a bad situation, and uncover the irony and absurdity of life. This will help improve your mood and the mood of those around you.
• Surround yourself with reminders to lighten up. Keep a toy on your desk or in your car. Put up a funny poster in your office. Choose a computer screensaver that makes you laugh. Frame photos of you and your family or friends having fun.
• Keep things in perspective. Many things in life are beyond your control—particularly the behavior of other people. While you might think taking the weight of the world on your shoulders is admirable, in the long run it’s unrealistic, unproductive, unhealthy, and even egotistical.
• Deal with your stress. Stress is a major impediment to humor and laughter.
• Pay attention to children and emulate them. They are the experts on playing, taking life lightly, and laughing.

Checklist for lightening up

When you find yourself taken over by what seems to be a horrible problem, ask these questions:

• Is it really worth getting upset over?
• Is it worth upsetting others?
• Is it that important?

• Is it that bad?
• Is the situation irreparable?
• Is it really your problem?

Using humor and play to overcome challenges and enhance your life

The ability to laugh, play, and have fun with others not only makes life more enjoyable but also helps you solve problems, connect with others, and be more creative. People who incorporate humor and play into their daily lives find that it renews them and all of their relationships.

Life brings challenges that can either get the best of you or become playthings for your imagination. When you “become the problem” and take yourself too seriously, it can be hard to think outside the box and find new solutions. But when you play with the problem, you can often transform it into an opportunity for creative learning.

Playing with problems seems to come naturally to children. When they are confused or afraid, they make their problems into a game, giving them a sense of control and an opportunity to experiment with new solutions. Interacting with others in playful ways helps you retain this creative ability.

Here are two examples of people who took everyday problems and turned them around through laughter and play:

Roy, a semi-retired businessman, was excited to finally have time to devote to golf, his favorite sport. But the more he played, the less he enjoyed himself. Although his game had improved dramatically, he got angry with himself over every mistake. Roy wisely realized that his golfing buddies affected his attitude, so he stopped playing with people who took the game too seriously. When he played with friends who focused more on having fun than on their scores, he was less critical of himself. Now golfing was as enjoyable as Roy hoped it would be. He scored better without working harder. And the brighter outlook he was getting from his companions and the game spread to other parts of his life, including his work.

Jane worked at home designing greeting cards, a job she used to love but now felt had become routine. Two little girls who loved to draw and paint lived next door. Eventually, Jane invited the girls in to play with all the art supplies she had. At first, she just watched, but in time she joined in. Laughing, coloring, and playing pretend with the little girls transformed Jane’s life. Not only did playing with them end her loneliness and mild boredom, it sparked her imagination and helped her artwork flourish. Best of all, it rekindled the playfulness and spark in Jane’s relationship with her husband.

As laughter, humor, and play become an integrated part of your life, your creativity will flourish and new discoveries for playing with friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and loved ones will occur to you daily. Humor takes you to a higher place where you can view the world from a more relaxed, positive, creative, joyful, and balanced perspective
.

Article taken from http://www.helpguide.org/life/humor_laughter_health.htm on Wednesday April 18, 2012

For more tips on marriage, relationships, health and Living Above the Line visit us at www.marriagehelpcenters.com and receive a free 30 minute coaching call. 

Could Getting a Cup of Tea for Your Spouse Save Your Marriage? Studies Point to Yes!

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The secret to a happy marriage? Small acts of kindness

SARAH HAMPSON

From Monday's Globe and Mail

Published Sunday, Jan. 08, 2012 4:00PM 

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Forget the expensive bauble he gave you over the holidays. And it’s not about the trip your wife promised. Nor is it a matter of who wears the pants in the family.

The secret to marital happiness is as simple as making your spouse tea in the morning. Turning down his side of the bed. Giving her a back rub.

Small acts of kindness are not just what we should be practising in the world at large, it would seem, but also right in our homes.

The generous marriage has a much greater chance of being a happy one.

That’s the finding of a recent study by the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project, examining the role of generosity in marriages. Defined as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly,” such thoughtfulness adds a new dimension to our understanding of how couples can build a strong, stable partnership, say the researchers. Their questions were directed in three areas. Did spouses offer small kindnesses to each other? Did they regularly express affection? Were they able to forgive? The researchers claim that this is the first empirical study of generosity.

A happy marriage is not just about satisfying sex, in other words. (Although, of course, it’s about that, too.)

In fact, sexual satisfaction came first as the factor that cements a partnership, followed by a sense of commitment. Generosity was third. Other factors include a positive attitude about raising children, social support from friends and family and spirituality within marriage. All 2,870 couples studied had children.

Undertaken in co-operation with the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values, an organization headed up by Elizabeth Marquardt, a famously pro-marriage family scholar who argued in her book,Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce, that even amicable divorces profoundly shape the lives of children in negative ways, the study set out to counter what it calls “the increasingly individualistic tenor of modern life.”

In that way, the study can be seen as another backlash against the popular divorce culture, not unlike books such as Mark O’Connell’s The Marriage Benefit: The Surprising Rewards of Staying Together and Maggie Scarf’sSeptember Songs: The Good News about Marriage in the Later Years which criticized the consumerist attitude in modern marriage – the idea that if a partner no longer pleases you as he did when you first acquired him, you promptly trade him in for a different model.

“Since the 1970s and the advent of the Me Generation in North America, there’s been a stress on seeing marriages as a vehicle for fulfilling individual needs as opposed to (at least in part) an opportunity to serve your spouse on a regular basis, something that is good for both you and your partner,” comments W. Bradford Wilcox, associate professor of sociology at the University of Virginia. As marriage came under scrutiny in the wake of feminism, the focus of most academic study was on issues of gender equality, he notes.

And yet the Holy Grail of the equitable marriage is far trickier to find than a hot cup of tea for your beloved. Among those parents with high scores on the generosity scale, 50 per cent reported their marriage as “very happy.” Among those with lower generosity scores, only 14 per cent claimed to be “very happy.”

“It’s signaling to someone that you want to go above and beyond the call of duty. On a regular basis, it’s signaling that you value them,” says Prof. Wilcox. “It’s really little acts of service that don’t cost a huge amount.”

Feeling appreciated goes a long way to making someone feel good, even if he does have to clean up the kitchen every night. But it’s not about positive reinforcement, the researchers quickly point out. “Generosity is often motivated by a desire to benefit one’s spouse, not to receive reciprocal benefits,” they write in the study.

A generous marriage makes both the giver and the receiver happy. Kind acts help engender a sense of gratitude, which research shows is linked to positive feelings. And the giver benefits from the altruism, another important factor in studies of well-being.

It may seem self-evident – a basic part of being human. But generosity toward loved ones or even friends is often overlooked these days. “Part of it is that people are very busy,” Prof. Wilcox says in a telephone interview. “They’re on their Facebook page or watching TV, and there’s little free time to devote attention elsewhere.” It may also be a function of the child-focused family model, in which helicopter parents spend more time devoted to nurturing their children’s talents and interests than they do cultivating their marriage.

All marriages are opaque, but this study parts the curtain a little bit on those private, domestic behaviours that make partnerships strong. It’s a welcome respite from the popular pastime of cooing over celebrity marriages, seemingly made in heaven, as a couple canoodles on the red carpet only weeks, or even days, before announcing their split.

As a culture we underrate the importance of kindness in our romantic relationships. We think it’s about how “hot” someone is, what kind of car they drive or what someone does for a living. We are enamoured of the grand gesture – being whisked away on a Caribbean holiday at short notice. But the study shows it’s not the big displays of affection but rather the small, frequent, even mundane, ones that matter.

Which reminds me of something Helen Gurley Brown, the former editor of Cosmopolitan, once said to me in an interview. “Forget the charmer,” she advised, wagging a finely manicured finger. “Go for the man who is your best friend.”

For intensive relationship and marriage help go to 

www.MarriageHelpCenters.com or www.RelationshipBootCamp.com or www.CouplesRetreat.com 

Recommended by Dr. Phil and featured on Gene Simmons Family Jewels, The Relationship BootCamp and Exclusive Couples Retreat get to the root of marriage issues and begin to heal the hurt from the past to be able to embrace the future. Walk away with healthy communication skills, a new perspective in life, and more compassion and understanding for others and yourself. These are life changing programs for you, your relationships and your family. Register today!