How to have "Till Death Do Us Part" Without Killing Each Other!

It's not 50/50 according to these over-50's!

At the Relationship BootCamp, we do an exercise where we send the couples out on an "Amazing Love Race". They have to complete certain tasks as a couple. One of the tasks on their list is to find an old couple who have been married for over 50 years and ask them the secret to their success. When I found this article on Huffington Post, it caught my eye because they survey over 1000 older people to find out the same thing! 

There's something to be said for seeking wisdom from those who have made their marriages work... till death do they part. I recently learned that the second most Googled "How to" in Canada in 2012 was "How to love?" so it is evident that we are looking for answers on how to have more successful marriages. There are some amazing nuggets in this article and needless to say, after 50+ years of marriage, it seems these couples have figured things out on how to make it last! 

One of my favourite quotes from the article is:

People always say you have to be more assertive and you have to take what you need but I could never relate to that. I have a friend who keeps going through one marriage after another and saying: 'Well, I didn't get what I needed in that marriage.' And I thought, 'Well, did you give anything out?'"

This is a great example of the 100/100 marriage and precisely what we teach at Relationship Help Centers (Relationship BootCamp & Couples Retreat). 

The Myth of the 50/50 Marriage

What makes for a long marriage? It's a question that social scientists and clinicians have tried to answer for many years, with limited results. We still don't really know why, after the joy of a wedding, one couple ends up on the rocks after a few years and another stays together for five or six decades. 

I decided to seek an answer by trying something new: Asking over 1,000 older people about their experiences in marriage. In the Legacy Project (and a related book), our research team invited these oldest Americans to share their lessons for young couples hoping to stay happily married "until death do us part."

When asked about what makes for a long and satisfying marriage, I was surprised at how many elders used the expression "give and take." Typical comments were: "Well, it's a lot of give and take" and "You can't just give or just take, it has to be both."

Trying to understand the underlying lesson behind what seemed like a cliché, I asked Alvin (87 and married for 63 years): "So you mean that marriage has to be a 50-50 kind of thing, right? A 50-50 proposition?"

He nearly bellowed his disagreement -- that was precisely not what he was saying. "Don't consider a marriage a 50-50 affair! Consider it a 100 percent affair. The only way you can make a marriage work is to have both parties give a hundred percent every time."

It began to make sense: The common belief that marriage is a 50-50 affair is a myth. You can't spend your time calculating "50 percent in, 50 percent back." The attitude has to be one of giving freely. And according to the elders, if you start keeping score you're already in deep trouble.

For long-term success, couples have to orient themselves to giving more than they get. Both individuals are contributing to a relationship, the benefits of which transcend immediate interests on a given day. What couples must avoid -- if they wish to remain together as long as the elders we interviewed -- is keeping score about who is getting more and who is getting less. This kind of economic attitude works with a vending machine: If I put in my dollar, I will get a candy bar of equal value. According to the oldest Americans, this definitely does not work in marriage.

Fifty-four years ago, Kay graduated from college in the morning and was married on campus in the afternoon. She made this point quite clearly.

"Okay. It's not a 50-50 proposition. It's a 90-10. Sometimes you're on the 90, and sometimes you're on the 10. That can vary, depending on where you are, what's the issue on the table. But anybody that goes into marriage saying, "Oh -- this is going to be 50-50," it doesn't happen. You can't live in the same house with the same person all those years and always divide it down the half."

Crystal's long and happy experience of being married to Todd hinges on the idea that marriage is more than a calculated balance of give and take.

"I think we both are not waking up in the morning and saying: 'Oh, am I getting what I need out of this?' We are waking up saying often: 'What can I do for him, or what can I do for her?' For example, my husband's gone through retirement since we've been married, and that was very difficult at first. He didn't know who he was, so his sense of his own usefulness was very tenuous for a while. I remember thinking okay, now I need to wake up in the morning and think: 'He really needs something. He needs a little extra right now.'

Then when I had cancer, he was amazing and I never felt frightened or abandoned. I was in the hospital, I think 25 times or something during a year, and he just drove up and drove back. I used to worry with all these bodily functions -- because you just disintegrate -- but he was fine, he wasn't grossed out or anything. So this is how it goes, it kind of goes up and down like this. Because there's times when one person is taking and needing, and then it's the other person. 

People always say you have to be more assertive and you have to take what you need but I could never relate to that. I have a friend who keeps going through one marriage after another and saying: 'Well, I didn't get what I needed in that marriage.' And I thought, 'Well, did you give anything out?'"

So these long-married elders tell us to stop thinking of marriage as a 50-50 proposition; for decades of life together, you have to throw away the score card. Some elders used the image of a team to make this point, using colorful examples drawn from the past.

Albert, age 80, told me: "[I've been] married 59 years to a very good wife. Instead of worrying about who is winning and who is losing in a marriage, the key is working together, unconcerned about that kind of thing." Albert then provided an image that reveals the core of elder wisdom about marriage.

"Well, there's a local museum here in town. In it there's a life-sized statue of a team of work horses obviously pulling a large load. And at our last anniversary, the kids asked us 'How do you characterize your marriage?' I said, 'Go look at the sculpture, that team of horses. Both of them laying into the harness together.' And written underneath it was: 'As of One Mind.' That sculpture characterizes our marriage. We came through some very hard times. There were times when we didn't know if we were going to make it. But we did it together. If one person goes off and thinks he's going to do it by himself, it isn't going to work.'

The last word goes to Antoinette, married 60 years, who offered this lesson for getting beyond "50-50 thinking" in marriage -- and it works.

"When you wake up in the morning, think 'What can I do to make her day or his day just a little happier?' You need to turn toward each other, and if you focus on the other person even just for that five minutes when you first wake up, it's going to make a big difference in your relationship. That's likely to really work for many years. So start each day thinking about what you can give that special person in your life."

Article written by:

Karl A. Pillemer, Ph.D.

Professor of Human Development, Cornell University; Author, "30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans"

Article found at http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karl-a-pillemer-phd/marriage-counseling_b_1860595.html





For more information on any of our programs (The Relationship BootCamp, Couples Retreat or Coaching, please visit us at www.RelationshipHelpCenters.com or call 949.510.

Relationship Relapse- Are You At Risk?- Part 1

Moving Forward- How to Avoid a Relationship Relapse

Part 1

After a Relationship BootCamp or Exclusive Couples Retreat, we always encourage couples and singles to continue their growth through coaching, volunteering, small groups and accountability partners because there is such a high risk of relapsing into our old ways. We are creatures of habit and are constantly wanting to fall back into our comfort zones. It's in our nature to take the path of least resistance... the easy way out. If this weren't true, the personal training industry would be dead. We want to grow, change, evolve, but it takes work and when push comes to shove, reverting to our old ways often feels easier. However, the downfall is when we relapse into our old ways, we end up with our old results, leaving us with feelings of disappointment, shame, anger and bitterness. These are all a part of living below the line and lead us right back to where we started: UNHAPPY!

If you've attended the Relationship BootCamp or the Exclusive Couples Retreat, you know how much energy you invested into your growth and you want to take that to the next level. But in order to move forward to the next level, you must first master the gains you've made so that you don't relapse.

Relapse: to suffer deterioration after a period of improvement, to return to a less active or worse state


So how do you hold on to what you've gained and avoid a relationship relapse? Hold on to what you've gained! Imagine each improvement as a step. Your steps may include things like being more open and vulnerable, spending more alone time with your partner or being more affectionate. Maybe you're working on your anger or intimacy issues. Whatever it is, each one is a step. If you try to run all the way up the steps and you trip, you will fall all the way back down to the bottom. Whereas if you take your time and learn each step, if, and when you trip (because you will, we all will), you will most likely only fall back one or two steps. When you land on that step, you will have already mastered it and be better prepared to move forward again, rather than being devastated that you have fallen back so far.

It's important to recognize the patterns that lead to relapse in order to stop yourself from falling backwards. Here are the 3 C's to be aware of:

1. COMPLACENCY: When we get comfortable with the short-term gains we have made and stop working towards what we really want. 
2. CONFUSION: When we rationalize and tend to 'forget' how bad it really was down there. 
3. COMPROMISE: When we think we are strong enough and start putting ourselves back into situations where we are tempted to fall backwards. 

Take a moment to really recognize where you are at in your growth. Give yourself credit for how far you have come, but be aware of these 3 C's that will lead to a relationship relapse. 

BE, DO, HAVE

BE committed to DO what it takes to HAVE what you want!

If you would like to speak with one of our coaches or register for one of our 4 Day Intensive programs please contact us at 1.866.322.6862 or visit our website for more info www.RelationshipHelpCenters.com 








This blog was inspired by a message from Pastor Dave Koop at CoastalChurch.org, Sunday, May 6, 2012. 

Could Getting a Cup of Tea for Your Spouse Save Your Marriage? Studies Point to Yes!

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The secret to a happy marriage? Small acts of kindness

SARAH HAMPSON

From Monday's Globe and Mail

Published Sunday, Jan. 08, 2012 4:00PM 

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Forget the expensive bauble he gave you over the holidays. And it’s not about the trip your wife promised. Nor is it a matter of who wears the pants in the family.

The secret to marital happiness is as simple as making your spouse tea in the morning. Turning down his side of the bed. Giving her a back rub.

Small acts of kindness are not just what we should be practising in the world at large, it would seem, but also right in our homes.

The generous marriage has a much greater chance of being a happy one.

That’s the finding of a recent study by the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project, examining the role of generosity in marriages. Defined as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly,” such thoughtfulness adds a new dimension to our understanding of how couples can build a strong, stable partnership, say the researchers. Their questions were directed in three areas. Did spouses offer small kindnesses to each other? Did they regularly express affection? Were they able to forgive? The researchers claim that this is the first empirical study of generosity.

A happy marriage is not just about satisfying sex, in other words. (Although, of course, it’s about that, too.)

In fact, sexual satisfaction came first as the factor that cements a partnership, followed by a sense of commitment. Generosity was third. Other factors include a positive attitude about raising children, social support from friends and family and spirituality within marriage. All 2,870 couples studied had children.

Undertaken in co-operation with the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values, an organization headed up by Elizabeth Marquardt, a famously pro-marriage family scholar who argued in her book,Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce, that even amicable divorces profoundly shape the lives of children in negative ways, the study set out to counter what it calls “the increasingly individualistic tenor of modern life.”

In that way, the study can be seen as another backlash against the popular divorce culture, not unlike books such as Mark O’Connell’s The Marriage Benefit: The Surprising Rewards of Staying Together and Maggie Scarf’sSeptember Songs: The Good News about Marriage in the Later Years which criticized the consumerist attitude in modern marriage – the idea that if a partner no longer pleases you as he did when you first acquired him, you promptly trade him in for a different model.

“Since the 1970s and the advent of the Me Generation in North America, there’s been a stress on seeing marriages as a vehicle for fulfilling individual needs as opposed to (at least in part) an opportunity to serve your spouse on a regular basis, something that is good for both you and your partner,” comments W. Bradford Wilcox, associate professor of sociology at the University of Virginia. As marriage came under scrutiny in the wake of feminism, the focus of most academic study was on issues of gender equality, he notes.

And yet the Holy Grail of the equitable marriage is far trickier to find than a hot cup of tea for your beloved. Among those parents with high scores on the generosity scale, 50 per cent reported their marriage as “very happy.” Among those with lower generosity scores, only 14 per cent claimed to be “very happy.”

“It’s signaling to someone that you want to go above and beyond the call of duty. On a regular basis, it’s signaling that you value them,” says Prof. Wilcox. “It’s really little acts of service that don’t cost a huge amount.”

Feeling appreciated goes a long way to making someone feel good, even if he does have to clean up the kitchen every night. But it’s not about positive reinforcement, the researchers quickly point out. “Generosity is often motivated by a desire to benefit one’s spouse, not to receive reciprocal benefits,” they write in the study.

A generous marriage makes both the giver and the receiver happy. Kind acts help engender a sense of gratitude, which research shows is linked to positive feelings. And the giver benefits from the altruism, another important factor in studies of well-being.

It may seem self-evident – a basic part of being human. But generosity toward loved ones or even friends is often overlooked these days. “Part of it is that people are very busy,” Prof. Wilcox says in a telephone interview. “They’re on their Facebook page or watching TV, and there’s little free time to devote attention elsewhere.” It may also be a function of the child-focused family model, in which helicopter parents spend more time devoted to nurturing their children’s talents and interests than they do cultivating their marriage.

All marriages are opaque, but this study parts the curtain a little bit on those private, domestic behaviours that make partnerships strong. It’s a welcome respite from the popular pastime of cooing over celebrity marriages, seemingly made in heaven, as a couple canoodles on the red carpet only weeks, or even days, before announcing their split.

As a culture we underrate the importance of kindness in our romantic relationships. We think it’s about how “hot” someone is, what kind of car they drive or what someone does for a living. We are enamoured of the grand gesture – being whisked away on a Caribbean holiday at short notice. But the study shows it’s not the big displays of affection but rather the small, frequent, even mundane, ones that matter.

Which reminds me of something Helen Gurley Brown, the former editor of Cosmopolitan, once said to me in an interview. “Forget the charmer,” she advised, wagging a finely manicured finger. “Go for the man who is your best friend.”

For intensive relationship and marriage help go to 

www.MarriageHelpCenters.com or www.RelationshipBootCamp.com or www.CouplesRetreat.com 

Recommended by Dr. Phil and featured on Gene Simmons Family Jewels, The Relationship BootCamp and Exclusive Couples Retreat get to the root of marriage issues and begin to heal the hurt from the past to be able to embrace the future. Walk away with healthy communication skills, a new perspective in life, and more compassion and understanding for others and yourself. These are life changing programs for you, your relationships and your family. Register today!

Make Love Your Lifestyle

People talk about falling in love, losing at love and looking for love. What if you could have a more permanent living arrangement with love that was not dependent on another person?

This means making love into a lifestyle rather than a life event.  And it has great personal benefits. According to Carol McCloud, author of Have You Filled A Bucket Today?, those “who learn to express kindness and love lead happier lives.” What if you were to incorporate a caring attitude and made a genuine effort to show value towards others every day?

Here are 10 sure-fire ways to make love into a lifestyle:

1. Express gratitude every day! By being thankful, you train yourself to look at the positive things in your life and appreciate their value. Thanking someone for what they have done or for who they are not only boosts your levels of happiness…but lifts the other person’s happiness too! Gratitude is always appreciated whether it is spoken or written in a special note!
2. Listen like a real friend! Rather than giving advice, give people an ear. Instead of just hearing a person’s words, put yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. Empathy is difficult at first, but it is a powerful skill that really transforms relationships.
3. Be first to apologize! There are times that you may say the wrong thing, forget to call when you said you would, carry a joke too far, or simply make an unintentional mistake. We all do it. As soon as you know that you have wronged someone, take responsibility for your actions and apologize!  Forgiveness and restoration create stronger bonds of trust.
4. Nurture relationships! Reach out to your loved ones for some quality time. Make a habit of inviting neighbors for dinner, having coffee with friends, or reading a book with your kids. Whatever it takes, especially in this digital age, create positive face-to-face experiences with others.
5. Express love verbally! Let people know you care about them. Your parents, partner, children, and family or friends want to know how much they mean to you. With a simple “I love you” or specific reasons why you admire them, you can make their day, their week, their month.  It can also be very contagious.
6. Be a giver for other’s sake! Your community needs a helping hand. Many lives are touched when volunteers step in. Send cards to sick kids through Hugs and Hope, shop online through a charity shopping portal such as Greater Good, find ways to volunteer online at CharityGuide.org. Other great organizations like the Union Gospel Mission in the Vancouver area http://www.ugm.ca/ or you can be a Training Assistant (TA) at the next Relationship BootCamp (BootCamp Dates) Find more ideas >>>
7. Learn to handle conflict! People deal with conflict differently. Some avoid it. Others look for someone to blame. And some people blow up at the situation. None of these are effective ways to handle conflict. In fact, most people need to learn effective ways to manage conflict in their relationships. Learn to manage conflict, communicate more effectively, and enrich your life by taking The Relationship BootCamp
8. Be the initiator! Grab your phone and call someone just to say “hello”.  Or text them to check in on how they’re doing.  Write an email to share your appreciation for someone you want to thank, cook a healthy meal for a friend, offer to babysit for a parent who needs a break, give hugs, bring home flowers, rub a loved one’s back, or bake a treat and take it to the office. Get creative with how you initiate love!
9. Learn from the past! During a time of grief, or desolation, it is highly important to see the silver lining. In fact, 70 to 80 percent of those that have lost a loved one express some benefit in their experience. A truly hard time can teach a valuable lesson. Take some time to reflect on what people in your past have taught you about love.
10. Love yourself! Make time for yourself. Learn to unwind and relax. Accept yourself for who you are. Make new goals and go after them. Do things that lift you up, that builds your self-esteem, and boosts your own happiness.

Carrying out a lifestyle of love opens up new possibilities and potentially happy outcomes. Looking for ways to find happiness and connection boosts that positive energy we all need on those gloomy days.

Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to show we care to the ones we love, it’s about reducing our limits when reaching out to others and giving them a hand—a bit of our attention, some of our time, and an extra slice of effort.

Use Valentine’s Day, the day of love, to kick start your new lifestyle of showing love and appreciation!

What ideas do you have to make love a lifestyle? How do you show your loved ones you care?

Keep the Love Alive in Your Life:

• Good Read for the Family: Growing Up with a Bucket Full of Happiness: Three Rules for a Happier Life >>>
• Read: 5 Selfish Reasons to Give Thanks To Others >>>
• Learn effective communication skills at Relationship BootCamp

Written by Lucinda Loveland – Copyright (C) 2011 Healthy Relationships California

Is Your Partner a Mind Reader?

No? Then why do we often behave as if they are? 

How will they know what you want if you don't tell them? Are your expectations leaving you hurt and disappointed? Maybe you feel like you've told them what you want a million times... or that it's less 'romantic' if you have to ask for what you want?!? Here are a few things for you to consider:

1) Maybe your partner feels like YOU don't give them what THEY want either, but you think you are fulfilling their every need. 

2) It may be the way you are 'asking' for what you want. Do they get defensive? Or misunderstand? They may feel attacked or inadequate because they aren't fulfilling your 'demands'.

3) Have you shut down the lines of communication? Stopped 'bothering' to talk about it because, really, what's the point? 

If any of these points comes close to describing how you're feeling or the situation you're in, this is a really great exercise to try. This is a great way to share with your partner what you truly DESIRE in your relationship. What if you could truly have a fulfilling and healthy relationship? What if you could share your desires with your partner? What if you could really fulfill their desires? That is what relationships are all about.

For this assignment please do two things: 1) set aside time to ask your spouse these question, and then 2) really LISTEN to your spouse’s response. Assuming you “know” what they think and feel will lead to disaster! Even if it is with a grain of salt, LISTEN as your spouse explains to you what life is like–in their world…in their thoughts…in their feelings–because there are TWO of you in this marriage (not just you and what you expect).

So first, read over the questions and organize your own answers honestly and thoroughly. Be transparent so that your spouse sees the True You…but also please don’t forget to be kind. Second, one of you answer all of the questions, one-at-a-time, out loud. While one of you is answering, the other should only listen or ask clarifying questions. Then switch roles and the second spouse answers all of the questions, one-at-a-time, out loud…and while he/she is answering, the other should only listen or ask clarifying questions.

Here are the questions (from “Getting to Know Your Spouse Better” by Brent A. Barlow on the Family Dynamics Institute website) :

• In our marriage, I feel loved when you …
• In our marriage, I feel appreciated when you …
• In our marriage, I am happiest when …
• In our marriage, I am saddest when …
• In our marriage, I am angriest when …
• In our marriage, I would like more …
• In our marriage, I would like less …
• In our marriage, I feel awkward when …
• In our marriage, I feel uneasy when …
• In our marriage, I feel excited when …
• In our marriage, I feel close to you when …
• In our marriage, I feel distant from you when …
• In our marriage, I feel most afraid when …
• My greatest concern/fear about our marriage is …
• What I like most about myself is …
• What I dislike most about myself is …
• The feelings that I have the most difficulty sharing with you are …
• The feelings that I can share most easily with you are …
• Our marriage could be greatly improved with just a little effort if we …
• The one thing in our marriage that needs the most immediate attention is …
• The best thing about our marriage is …

Portions of this article taken from the http://affaircare.com/ website, February 6, 2012

To sign up for coaching or the Relationship BootCamp go to www.MarriageHelpCenters.com

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