Relationship Relapse- Are You At Risk?- Part 1

Moving Forward- How to Avoid a Relationship Relapse

Part 1

After a Relationship BootCamp or Exclusive Couples Retreat, we always encourage couples and singles to continue their growth through coaching, volunteering, small groups and accountability partners because there is such a high risk of relapsing into our old ways. We are creatures of habit and are constantly wanting to fall back into our comfort zones. It's in our nature to take the path of least resistance... the easy way out. If this weren't true, the personal training industry would be dead. We want to grow, change, evolve, but it takes work and when push comes to shove, reverting to our old ways often feels easier. However, the downfall is when we relapse into our old ways, we end up with our old results, leaving us with feelings of disappointment, shame, anger and bitterness. These are all a part of living below the line and lead us right back to where we started: UNHAPPY!

If you've attended the Relationship BootCamp or the Exclusive Couples Retreat, you know how much energy you invested into your growth and you want to take that to the next level. But in order to move forward to the next level, you must first master the gains you've made so that you don't relapse.

Relapse: to suffer deterioration after a period of improvement, to return to a less active or worse state


So how do you hold on to what you've gained and avoid a relationship relapse? Hold on to what you've gained! Imagine each improvement as a step. Your steps may include things like being more open and vulnerable, spending more alone time with your partner or being more affectionate. Maybe you're working on your anger or intimacy issues. Whatever it is, each one is a step. If you try to run all the way up the steps and you trip, you will fall all the way back down to the bottom. Whereas if you take your time and learn each step, if, and when you trip (because you will, we all will), you will most likely only fall back one or two steps. When you land on that step, you will have already mastered it and be better prepared to move forward again, rather than being devastated that you have fallen back so far.

It's important to recognize the patterns that lead to relapse in order to stop yourself from falling backwards. Here are the 3 C's to be aware of:

1. COMPLACENCY: When we get comfortable with the short-term gains we have made and stop working towards what we really want. 
2. CONFUSION: When we rationalize and tend to 'forget' how bad it really was down there. 
3. COMPROMISE: When we think we are strong enough and start putting ourselves back into situations where we are tempted to fall backwards. 

Take a moment to really recognize where you are at in your growth. Give yourself credit for how far you have come, but be aware of these 3 C's that will lead to a relationship relapse. 

BE, DO, HAVE

BE committed to DO what it takes to HAVE what you want!

If you would like to speak with one of our coaches or register for one of our 4 Day Intensive programs please contact us at 1.866.322.6862 or visit our website for more info www.RelationshipHelpCenters.com 








This blog was inspired by a message from Pastor Dave Koop at CoastalChurch.org, Sunday, May 6, 2012. 

Make Love Your Lifestyle

People talk about falling in love, losing at love and looking for love. What if you could have a more permanent living arrangement with love that was not dependent on another person?

This means making love into a lifestyle rather than a life event.  And it has great personal benefits. According to Carol McCloud, author of Have You Filled A Bucket Today?, those “who learn to express kindness and love lead happier lives.” What if you were to incorporate a caring attitude and made a genuine effort to show value towards others every day?

Here are 10 sure-fire ways to make love into a lifestyle:

1. Express gratitude every day! By being thankful, you train yourself to look at the positive things in your life and appreciate their value. Thanking someone for what they have done or for who they are not only boosts your levels of happiness…but lifts the other person’s happiness too! Gratitude is always appreciated whether it is spoken or written in a special note!
2. Listen like a real friend! Rather than giving advice, give people an ear. Instead of just hearing a person’s words, put yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. Empathy is difficult at first, but it is a powerful skill that really transforms relationships.
3. Be first to apologize! There are times that you may say the wrong thing, forget to call when you said you would, carry a joke too far, or simply make an unintentional mistake. We all do it. As soon as you know that you have wronged someone, take responsibility for your actions and apologize!  Forgiveness and restoration create stronger bonds of trust.
4. Nurture relationships! Reach out to your loved ones for some quality time. Make a habit of inviting neighbors for dinner, having coffee with friends, or reading a book with your kids. Whatever it takes, especially in this digital age, create positive face-to-face experiences with others.
5. Express love verbally! Let people know you care about them. Your parents, partner, children, and family or friends want to know how much they mean to you. With a simple “I love you” or specific reasons why you admire them, you can make their day, their week, their month.  It can also be very contagious.
6. Be a giver for other’s sake! Your community needs a helping hand. Many lives are touched when volunteers step in. Send cards to sick kids through Hugs and Hope, shop online through a charity shopping portal such as Greater Good, find ways to volunteer online at CharityGuide.org. Other great organizations like the Union Gospel Mission in the Vancouver area http://www.ugm.ca/ or you can be a Training Assistant (TA) at the next Relationship BootCamp (BootCamp Dates) Find more ideas >>>
7. Learn to handle conflict! People deal with conflict differently. Some avoid it. Others look for someone to blame. And some people blow up at the situation. None of these are effective ways to handle conflict. In fact, most people need to learn effective ways to manage conflict in their relationships. Learn to manage conflict, communicate more effectively, and enrich your life by taking The Relationship BootCamp
8. Be the initiator! Grab your phone and call someone just to say “hello”.  Or text them to check in on how they’re doing.  Write an email to share your appreciation for someone you want to thank, cook a healthy meal for a friend, offer to babysit for a parent who needs a break, give hugs, bring home flowers, rub a loved one’s back, or bake a treat and take it to the office. Get creative with how you initiate love!
9. Learn from the past! During a time of grief, or desolation, it is highly important to see the silver lining. In fact, 70 to 80 percent of those that have lost a loved one express some benefit in their experience. A truly hard time can teach a valuable lesson. Take some time to reflect on what people in your past have taught you about love.
10. Love yourself! Make time for yourself. Learn to unwind and relax. Accept yourself for who you are. Make new goals and go after them. Do things that lift you up, that builds your self-esteem, and boosts your own happiness.

Carrying out a lifestyle of love opens up new possibilities and potentially happy outcomes. Looking for ways to find happiness and connection boosts that positive energy we all need on those gloomy days.

Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to show we care to the ones we love, it’s about reducing our limits when reaching out to others and giving them a hand—a bit of our attention, some of our time, and an extra slice of effort.

Use Valentine’s Day, the day of love, to kick start your new lifestyle of showing love and appreciation!

What ideas do you have to make love a lifestyle? How do you show your loved ones you care?

Keep the Love Alive in Your Life:

• Good Read for the Family: Growing Up with a Bucket Full of Happiness: Three Rules for a Happier Life >>>
• Read: 5 Selfish Reasons to Give Thanks To Others >>>
• Learn effective communication skills at Relationship BootCamp

Written by Lucinda Loveland – Copyright (C) 2011 Healthy Relationships California

Is Your Partner a Mind Reader?

No? Then why do we often behave as if they are? 

How will they know what you want if you don't tell them? Are your expectations leaving you hurt and disappointed? Maybe you feel like you've told them what you want a million times... or that it's less 'romantic' if you have to ask for what you want?!? Here are a few things for you to consider:

1) Maybe your partner feels like YOU don't give them what THEY want either, but you think you are fulfilling their every need. 

2) It may be the way you are 'asking' for what you want. Do they get defensive? Or misunderstand? They may feel attacked or inadequate because they aren't fulfilling your 'demands'.

3) Have you shut down the lines of communication? Stopped 'bothering' to talk about it because, really, what's the point? 

If any of these points comes close to describing how you're feeling or the situation you're in, this is a really great exercise to try. This is a great way to share with your partner what you truly DESIRE in your relationship. What if you could truly have a fulfilling and healthy relationship? What if you could share your desires with your partner? What if you could really fulfill their desires? That is what relationships are all about.

For this assignment please do two things: 1) set aside time to ask your spouse these question, and then 2) really LISTEN to your spouse’s response. Assuming you “know” what they think and feel will lead to disaster! Even if it is with a grain of salt, LISTEN as your spouse explains to you what life is like–in their world…in their thoughts…in their feelings–because there are TWO of you in this marriage (not just you and what you expect).

So first, read over the questions and organize your own answers honestly and thoroughly. Be transparent so that your spouse sees the True You…but also please don’t forget to be kind. Second, one of you answer all of the questions, one-at-a-time, out loud. While one of you is answering, the other should only listen or ask clarifying questions. Then switch roles and the second spouse answers all of the questions, one-at-a-time, out loud…and while he/she is answering, the other should only listen or ask clarifying questions.

Here are the questions (from “Getting to Know Your Spouse Better” by Brent A. Barlow on the Family Dynamics Institute website) :

• In our marriage, I feel loved when you …
• In our marriage, I feel appreciated when you …
• In our marriage, I am happiest when …
• In our marriage, I am saddest when …
• In our marriage, I am angriest when …
• In our marriage, I would like more …
• In our marriage, I would like less …
• In our marriage, I feel awkward when …
• In our marriage, I feel uneasy when …
• In our marriage, I feel excited when …
• In our marriage, I feel close to you when …
• In our marriage, I feel distant from you when …
• In our marriage, I feel most afraid when …
• My greatest concern/fear about our marriage is …
• What I like most about myself is …
• What I dislike most about myself is …
• The feelings that I have the most difficulty sharing with you are …
• The feelings that I can share most easily with you are …
• Our marriage could be greatly improved with just a little effort if we …
• The one thing in our marriage that needs the most immediate attention is …
• The best thing about our marriage is …

Portions of this article taken from the http://affaircare.com/ website, February 6, 2012

To sign up for coaching or the Relationship BootCamp go to www.MarriageHelpCenters.com

If you found this article helpful please "share" it! 

How to Raise a Husband-To-Be

Since I coach young children and teens, I often have parents asking me what they should be doing differently. I often tell the story in the Relationship BootCamp of how my dad used to take me on dates. This is one of my most memorable experiences as a child; getting all dressed up, having him open the car door for me, holding my hand proudly as we walked down the street, pulling out my chair, and giving me little tid-bits of how a gentleman should treat a lady. Of course we talked about school, friends, and all the little things going on in my life, but what I remember is him setting a standard for me, teaching me about what I deserved. But I think what stood out to me more was that he did all of these things for my mom when he was with her; he treated her like a lady too. So if I can leave all you parents with one piece of advice today, it is to "date" to your kids. Spend quality time with them, show them they are worthy of your time, and more importantly, invest into their self-esteem. What kind of legacy do you want to leave?

-Jenny Konkin

This is a great article I found on Oprah.com for how to raise your sons to be the men that we would want to marry. 

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Good-Parenting-Tips-How-to-Raise-a-Good-Son/1 

(January 9, 2012)

Attention mothers of sons: Women of the future are counting on you. Valerie Monroe tells how to bring up a good, kind, happy, mindful, nongrunting husband-to-be.

                                         

I was describing in prodigious, enthusiastic detail the trip to Japan from which I'd just returned with my then 15-year-old son. "And he's so much fun to travel with," I went on to my patient friend. "His observations were really interesting, and when we met new people, he was such a good listener, and he seemed willing to try almost anything," I said.

"Well, of course he's a fine companion," my friend said. "You raised him to be."

I felt a sharp urge to deny that, as if she'd accused me of something selfish. But I have raised a boy who's smart and observant, sensitive and kind, who listens well and is remarkably honest and articulate about the way he feels.

Lest you think I'm bragging—oh, never mind, I am bragging—there are many more mothers like me who've broken what William Pollack, PhD, calls the boy code, the persistent, largely unspoken but pervasive belief that we should bring up boys to be stoic, to hide their feelings, to become quickly independent of their parents (their mothers especially). In short, not to be like girls. Pollack, assistant clinical professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, and author of Real Boys, believes that for boys to be happy and healthy, they must be allowed to have feelings, to show empathy, to be able to express the range of emotions encouraged in girls. Until I had a son, I thought, well, naturally you want to raise your child—boy or girl—to have a full emotional life. Then I tried to. And I discovered that there's a big difference between believing a boy should show his feelings freely and actually having a boy who does.

When my best friend's older son and my son were both around three, her boy delighted in swathing himself in glittery tulle and prancing around with a fairy wand. My friend took it in stride, providing generous amounts of fabric and making aesthetic improvements—more sparkles, a bigger star on the wand, etc.—to her son's great and often delirious satisfaction. On the face of it, I supported her and her boy, but I confess I was also relieved that my son didn't express quite the same level of interest. It was such a small thing: A boy, barely out of babyhood, innocently enraptured by clouds of tulle—why was it even the slightest bit threatening to me? For the same reason that when my mother (an adoring grandmother in every way) saw my son weepy with hurt feelings when he was ten, she asked me reprovingly, "Do you think it's good for him to be so sensitive?" Or that when a friend who noticed him at 14 snuggling with me on the couch later asked, "Is he interested in girls yet?" A sensitive, affectionate boy risks being perceived as a "mama's boy, tied to her apron strings." Isn't it interesting that we have no such phrases to describe a girl who is attached to her mother? And that "daddy's girl" completely lacks the pejorative connotation?

My mother's and friend's questions scared me because they suggested that the closeness between me and my son was in some way inhibiting his path to a healthy manhood. Should I have sent him signals that I expected him to reject the intimate bond established between us? There are many reasons mothers might feel the need to withdraw from their sons, says Olga Silverstein, family therapist and author of The Courage to Raise Good Men. We're afraid that we'll contaminate our boys with "female" qualities. We believe that boys must grow away from their families, and so we want to protect ourselves and our sons from the inevitable pain of separation. We think we're incapable of modeling qualities important to becoming a man, or that our closeness will make him homosexual. Or we believe that because he is male, he is unknowable to us, or that our affection and bond will be construed as seductive.

It's absolutely necessary to shift the way we think of those qualities we call feminine," says Silverstein. "As a culture, we perceive empathy, nurturance, talent for friendship and relationship as belonging only to women and less valuable than independence and other kinds of strengths traditionally associated with men," she says. "Women have to believe that feminine strengths are valuable not just in women but in humans. Then we won't worry about feminizing boys." This isn't to say that we shouldn't respect the differences between boys and girls, whatever we perceive them to be. But the idea of defining male and female as opposites (as we do in this culture) is misguided and leads us into trouble, Silverstein says, because it implies that boys must not only separate from their mothers but reject the qualities associated with them. Does this sound unfair? Even misogynistic?

We know what we get when a boy is raised with the code, says Pollack: a mask of masculinity, false bravado, the need to be aggressive and to win, and to ignore or repress feelings of vulnerability. These are the men who seem strong but who are, ironically, weakest in many ways because they're hiding or are unaware of their neediness and are poorly equipped to engage in any kind of honest relationship. But those boys who get affection, love, respect, and compassion, grow up whole, not unconsciously seeking what they needed from their parents. I see these boys everywhere among my son's friends. They have pals who are girls. They are friendly with their mothers. They like their mothers.

One afternoon when my son was a senior in high school, a group of his friends gathered in our living room to play video games. From the kitchen, I was aware of a sea of voices, deep and loud. Exclamations of playful frustration and surprise rose and fell in waves, over a steady undercurrent of exchange about schoolwork and teachers. After a while, I waded into their midst. They all glanced over at me.

"Hi, Reid's mom," one of them said.

I had a question for them, I said, related to a story I was writing: "You guys are 18, right?" I said. "Do you still tell your mothers that you love them?"

There was an earsplitting commotion as the game players wiped out the enemy. The playing stopped and silence swept the room. I stood there uncomfortably.

"Well, sure," one of the boys said finally.

"Of course," said another.

"Why not?" said a third.

A fourth boy, whose mother is a doctor, stretched his legs and leaned back in his chair. "My mother raised me and my brother and sister pretty much by herself," he said. "My mother is a goddess." No one snickered. It was a statement of fact.

How did our boys turn out like this? Silverstein suggests some important ways to ensure that our sons grow into whole human beings. We must continue to talk to them about our feelings and their own and not let them get away with putting us off. We should not be afraid to demonstrate our affection or anger or disapproval. We need to be honest about what we like and don't like about the way they act, supporting empathy, self-knowledge, and respect for feminine qualities. We can help them understand that both men and women can model how to raise a good person.

A child who is fully and deeply loved, who learns to acknowledge his feelings and is well equipped to express them, and who learns to take responsibility for his actions, to value compassion and live it daily—this is the boy who will grow into a man who'll make a loving companion. That's good for the woman he marries. Even better for the man he becomes. 

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Good-Parenting-Tips-How-to-Raise-a-Good-Son/2#ixzz1j0bl7BPj

For more information about our coaching for parents, couples, kids, teens, and individuals please go to www.marriagehelpcenters.com

Simple Strategies of the Happy Couple

This is a great article with some simple, down-to-earth tips about how to have a healthier relationship!

Smart Strategies

"Why do some couples seem so head-over-heels? It's not that their lives are any easier or more perfect than yours-- but they do know how to keep the daily grind from eroding their relationship. Get some of what they have by incorporating these happy-couple strategies into your love life.

1. Fall in love all over again. Make a conscious decision to be in love. The more you act as if you are in love, the more you will feel like you are.

2. Remember the good times. Treat your partner like you did at the beginning of your relationship. Make a list of all the things you used to enjoy doing together and add any new fantasies to the list. Plan for them and make them happen.

3. Help your partner feel more loved and secure in your love so that he or she can open up to you and express feelings and ideas without fear of being attacked or judged. Compliment, praise, give a hug. Small gestures make the grandest statements.

4. Don't make unilateral decisions. You're a team in many ways, so act like one. Check in and make decisions together about things large and small. Be willing to compromise.

5. Be present. Train your mind to stay in the moment -- not at work, thinking about the new color you want to paint your kitchen, or how it's time to take the dog to the vet.

6. Pay attention to your physical appearance. Take the time to stay in shape and look good for each other. It does matter.

7. Boost your compatibility. Couples in crisis focus on all the ways they are different, whereas those who are in love zero in on their similarities and think their differences are cute. Build compatibility by taking turns planning activities to do together. If you don't like your partner's choice, don't complain; it's your turn next.

8. Do not place blame. Replace blame and criticism with solutions and tenderness. Problem-solve together -- sit close, hold hands, touch each other's face or hair. Be playful. When was the last time you laughed together? Rent a comedy movie to tickle your funny bone.

9. Plan for sex. Spontaneity is great but smart couples know that good sex doesn't just happen. Like everything else, it takes time and planning.

10. Fact-find -- don't mind-read. You may think you know but you can't assume. You may believe he should know, but that's not fair, either. Always clear up misinterpretations and misunderstandings to make sure they don't throw you both off course.

11. Fight fair -- and by appointment only. Schedule a limited time to discuss a problem and confine your comments to that issue only. It's easier to relax and feel free to enjoy each other when you know you won't be ambushed by a litany of complaints and criticisms.

12. Prepare for checkouts. Even in the closest marriage, everyone needs time alone. Don't take it personally and don't make each other feel guilty if you need to spiritually and emotionally regroup. Just be sure to tell each other when you are checking out (max, one day) -- and when you're checking back in."

Article From :

http://www.lhj.com/relationships/marriage/basics/secrets-of-super-happy-couples/?page=2 

December 5, 2011

For information on our Relationship BootCamp go to www.MarriageHelpCenters.com 

Does Marriage Counselling Really Work?

Does Marriage Counseling Work?

At Marriage Help Centers, when it comes to registering for the Relationship BootCamp, we're often told "We've tried marriage counselling and it didn't work for us." We hear this all the time, and there may be some truth to this, but why? Below is an article from 'The Marriage Sherpa' with some interesting answers. As a company we believe in marriage counselling, however most of us are impatient beings, and counselling can take a long time before you start to see results. Think of going to the gym. It takes a while before you really start to see weight loss, muscle toning, and increased strength. This is why health clubs often offer "fitness bootcamps". They are so popular because they are intense, specifically designed, and give you a jumpstart into getting fit. But if you don't do anything after you go to a fitness bootcamp, you won't get into shape, you have to follow up and keep going to the gym to get RESULTS! This is like our relationship bootcamp, we give you a jumpstart into healing in yourself and your relationship, but for best LONG TERM RESULTS we recommend you follow up with one of our qualified coaches, join a support group or see a counsellor. 

"November 21st, 2011 http://www.marriagesherpa.com/blog/marriage/does_marriage_counseling_work/ 

Your marriage may be struggling, and you may have considered seeing a marriage counselor but wonder, “Does marriage counseling work?”

As with most things in life, there is not one clear answer.

In this blog, I’ll explain why many are skeptical about marriage counseling: statistics that aren’t too promising when it comes to answering “does marriage counseling work.”

However, you won’t leave this article without first taking two ideas with you for how to start down the road of saving your marriage. Keep reading…

Who does marriage counseling work for?

Does marriage counseling work for anyone?

I recently saw a statistic that said marriage counseling had a failure rate of 75%. How scientifically accurate this percentage is, well, that’s a matter for debate.

If this statistic is in the ballpark of being accurate, then if half of all marriages end in divorce, it sounds like marriage counseling may be helping people… on their way out.

But that means, again using this statistic, that marriage counseling does potentially work 25% of the time.

Whether marriage counseling works or not is affected by many different factors:

•    Each spouse’s willingness to consider going to marriage counseling.

•    The couple’s ability to stick with counseling.

•    Each spouse’s ability to make changes in their response to their partner.

•    How far gone the marriage is when the couple enters counseling.

Marriage Counseling Methodology May Be an Issue

In addition, there are some methods that just do not work. That doesn’t mean those methods aren’t still in use, though. There are therapists who are well-meaning, but continue to use methods that they were initially trained in.

This means they aren’t taken advantage of the newest research findings in relational science – which has recognized that some of those traditional methods simply will not work.

Why?

Because you are probably going to marriage counseling for about an hour a week, and that’s all the time and effort going into it. You may try some strategies, but there’s no real program to follow, so you don’t know where you’re headed other than hoping you’ll be “happier” together – an often vague, undefined concept.

If you’re in a relationship that has gone sour, you need to understand why you and your spouse respond to each other the way that you do. Telling you to “not yell at your spouse” does not help you clearly understand why you yell at your spouse. You may continue to think, “It’s because he/she makes me mad.”

You may do fine in the marriage counselor’s office. But then there is the rest of the week ahead that you still need to get through—with no mediator to sit between you.

A New Alternative to Counseling that Can Save Your Marriage

Also, many people don’t stick with it long enough. “We went a few times, things got better, so we stopped going.” And usually, that’s well before any new, positive habits could become implanted.

Here are two tips to help you save your marriage: they involve knowing what you are getting into in order to really save the relationship.

Tip 1: Commit to change in yourself

It’s easy to get caught up in finger-pointing: “He does this” or “She did that” and not take any ownership for your part in the marriage. The relationship is between you and your spouse, and the problems are situated right there in the middle.

If you want to save your marriage, it’s going to take changes on the part of both spouses. If you continue to point your finger at the other for all the problems in the marriage, you will both stay locked in your respective corners, going round after round until the final knockout occurs: becoming another divorce statistic.

The truth is, you will both need to make some changes in order for this to work. You both have bad habits you’ve brought into the relationship, or fell into as a couple. And, if your spouse feels stuck in the idea that they do not need to change, you may need to take the leadership role and do what you can to create new ways of communicating with your spouse.

Tip 2: Self-assessment

Commit to keeping an open mind about the part you play in your marriage. This means you will need to assess how you behave toward your spouse—something that is easier said than done. When it comes to your spouse, are you:

•    Speaking disrespectfully to him or her?

•    Taking your spouse for granted?

•    Tuning out/not listening?

•    Displaying irritability/anger?

•    Needing to be in the right all the time?

•    Practicing passive-aggressiveness?

This is just a small sampling of characteristics. Another way of looking at it is, “Would I talk to or treat my best friend the way I do my spouse?” Most of us can’t say that we would. So, analyze what’s different in how you treat your spouse from how you treat others—including perfect strangers.

My best to you as you and your work to save your marriage, whether on your own or if you decide to try marriage counseling.

Have you considered marriage counseling?

What is your opinion on how well marriage counseling works?

Have you gone to marriage counseling? What was your experience?

Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.

Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,

Stephanie Anderson

Editor-in-Chief

Marriage Sherpa"

To speak with one of our coaches or sign up for the Relationship BootCamp go to www.marriagehelpcenters.com 

Ways You're Screwing Up Your Relationship

Alright ladies, this one's for you! We often like to look at our man when trying to figure out what's going wrong in our relationships. "He never listens." "He spends more time with his friends than with me." "He doesn't care about my opinion." But what about YOUR role in the relationship? Here are a few pointers to look at to help you take accountability for how you may be screwing up your relationship: 

Ways You’re Screwing Up Your Relationship

You expect him to read your mind

You want something (think: a romantic weekend away) and are peeved that your dude hasn’t guessed what thatsomething is. The rub: Unless he stares into a crystal ball for a living, you might want to get real and give him a clue. There’s no shame in being honest about what you want. What’s more, asking for something dramatically ups the odds that you’ll get it.

You talk all business -- no pleasure

With two busy lives, it’s easy for couples to fall into a conversation vortex. Between “What’s for dinner?” and “Did you pay the cable bill?” you can go days without just…shooting the breeze. Think about the chats you had when you were first dating (that is, dreams and goals, not groceries and dog walks) and strike up one of those.

                                                                                                                           

You fight dirty

Let’s be real. Everyone argues. Okay, fights. But some couples know how to do it sans damage. If you’re guilty of hitting below the belt (think: name calling or plate throwing), it’s time to cut it out. Starting to see red? Take a time-out. Go for a long walk, clear your head, and come back when you’re calm. Still can’t tame your temper? Loop in a pro -- a marriage and relationship counselor can teach you to fight right.

You keep score

If you mentally tally each of your partner’s infractions (texting through dinner -- check balled-up socks on floor -- check), it’s time to ask yourself why. The truth? You’re actually planning your next fight…in advance! Drop the scorecard. You and your man are on the same team, remember? So huddle up.

You drown him in advice

In an informal poll (cough, we asked our husbands, cough), guys unanimously said they wish we’d just listen more. Turns out, men need to vent their probs, just like we do. Which isn’t to say they want to hear solutions the second they pause for breath. In fact, sometimes (aka usually) they’d prefer a friendly “wow, that sucks, babe” over your three-pronged fix-it plan.

You put your relationship last

You have awesome intentions; no, really, you do. You’d love more one-on-one with your honey. You think about romantic dinners or weekend getaways -- but life always intervenes. Time to stop hoping and start doing. Pick up the phone and snag a res for his favorite steak house -- or take a sick day to spend between the sheets. Do something that shows where your priorities really lie.

You talk smack about his family

Does it help to hear you’re not alone? In-laws bug. The end. That said, even if they are daytime-talk-show material, it’s time to zip that lip. Complain to your besty, complain to your shrink, but don’t complain to your man. Even if he agrees with every word you say, it’s bound to cause stress and strife.

You think you’re too cool for date night

Think a preplanned date night is a shortcut to loserville? Riddle me this, hipster, when’s the last time you and your honey had a truly great date? M-kay…we get it, you crave spontaneity and think planning isn’t sexy. But here’s a thought, once you’re actually on one, all you’ll notice is how much fun you are having being out (or in). We doubt you’ll care if it was booked a month in advance.

You keep financial secrets

Relax; he may not need to know the price of every pair of shoes. But if you have secret credit card debt or a rotten FICO score, it’s time to tell on yourself. A recent poll said that nearly one in three American couples with combined finances admitted to so-called financial infidelity (that is, lying about money). Yikes! By being an open book now, it will be easier to stay honest down the road.

(Portions taken from TheNest.com, "13 Ways You're Screwing Up Your Relationship" by Hallie Goodman, July 26, 2011, http://ideas.thenest.com/love-and-sex-advice/dealing-with-relationship-issues/slideshows/ways-youre-screwing-up-your-relationship.aspx?page=2)