Relationship Relapse- Are You At Risk?- Part 1

Moving Forward- How to Avoid a Relationship Relapse

Part 1

After a Relationship BootCamp or Exclusive Couples Retreat, we always encourage couples and singles to continue their growth through coaching, volunteering, small groups and accountability partners because there is such a high risk of relapsing into our old ways. We are creatures of habit and are constantly wanting to fall back into our comfort zones. It's in our nature to take the path of least resistance... the easy way out. If this weren't true, the personal training industry would be dead. We want to grow, change, evolve, but it takes work and when push comes to shove, reverting to our old ways often feels easier. However, the downfall is when we relapse into our old ways, we end up with our old results, leaving us with feelings of disappointment, shame, anger and bitterness. These are all a part of living below the line and lead us right back to where we started: UNHAPPY!

If you've attended the Relationship BootCamp or the Exclusive Couples Retreat, you know how much energy you invested into your growth and you want to take that to the next level. But in order to move forward to the next level, you must first master the gains you've made so that you don't relapse.

Relapse: to suffer deterioration after a period of improvement, to return to a less active or worse state


So how do you hold on to what you've gained and avoid a relationship relapse? Hold on to what you've gained! Imagine each improvement as a step. Your steps may include things like being more open and vulnerable, spending more alone time with your partner or being more affectionate. Maybe you're working on your anger or intimacy issues. Whatever it is, each one is a step. If you try to run all the way up the steps and you trip, you will fall all the way back down to the bottom. Whereas if you take your time and learn each step, if, and when you trip (because you will, we all will), you will most likely only fall back one or two steps. When you land on that step, you will have already mastered it and be better prepared to move forward again, rather than being devastated that you have fallen back so far.

It's important to recognize the patterns that lead to relapse in order to stop yourself from falling backwards. Here are the 3 C's to be aware of:

1. COMPLACENCY: When we get comfortable with the short-term gains we have made and stop working towards what we really want. 
2. CONFUSION: When we rationalize and tend to 'forget' how bad it really was down there. 
3. COMPROMISE: When we think we are strong enough and start putting ourselves back into situations where we are tempted to fall backwards. 

Take a moment to really recognize where you are at in your growth. Give yourself credit for how far you have come, but be aware of these 3 C's that will lead to a relationship relapse. 

BE, DO, HAVE

BE committed to DO what it takes to HAVE what you want!

If you would like to speak with one of our coaches or register for one of our 4 Day Intensive programs please contact us at 1.866.322.6862 or visit our website for more info www.RelationshipHelpCenters.com 








This blog was inspired by a message from Pastor Dave Koop at CoastalChurch.org, Sunday, May 6, 2012. 

Does Marriage Counselling Really Work?

Does Marriage Counseling Work?

At Marriage Help Centers, when it comes to registering for the Relationship BootCamp, we're often told "We've tried marriage counselling and it didn't work for us." We hear this all the time, and there may be some truth to this, but why? Below is an article from 'The Marriage Sherpa' with some interesting answers. As a company we believe in marriage counselling, however most of us are impatient beings, and counselling can take a long time before you start to see results. Think of going to the gym. It takes a while before you really start to see weight loss, muscle toning, and increased strength. This is why health clubs often offer "fitness bootcamps". They are so popular because they are intense, specifically designed, and give you a jumpstart into getting fit. But if you don't do anything after you go to a fitness bootcamp, you won't get into shape, you have to follow up and keep going to the gym to get RESULTS! This is like our relationship bootcamp, we give you a jumpstart into healing in yourself and your relationship, but for best LONG TERM RESULTS we recommend you follow up with one of our qualified coaches, join a support group or see a counsellor. 

"November 21st, 2011 http://www.marriagesherpa.com/blog/marriage/does_marriage_counseling_work/ 

Your marriage may be struggling, and you may have considered seeing a marriage counselor but wonder, “Does marriage counseling work?”

As with most things in life, there is not one clear answer.

In this blog, I’ll explain why many are skeptical about marriage counseling: statistics that aren’t too promising when it comes to answering “does marriage counseling work.”

However, you won’t leave this article without first taking two ideas with you for how to start down the road of saving your marriage. Keep reading…

Who does marriage counseling work for?

Does marriage counseling work for anyone?

I recently saw a statistic that said marriage counseling had a failure rate of 75%. How scientifically accurate this percentage is, well, that’s a matter for debate.

If this statistic is in the ballpark of being accurate, then if half of all marriages end in divorce, it sounds like marriage counseling may be helping people… on their way out.

But that means, again using this statistic, that marriage counseling does potentially work 25% of the time.

Whether marriage counseling works or not is affected by many different factors:

•    Each spouse’s willingness to consider going to marriage counseling.

•    The couple’s ability to stick with counseling.

•    Each spouse’s ability to make changes in their response to their partner.

•    How far gone the marriage is when the couple enters counseling.

Marriage Counseling Methodology May Be an Issue

In addition, there are some methods that just do not work. That doesn’t mean those methods aren’t still in use, though. There are therapists who are well-meaning, but continue to use methods that they were initially trained in.

This means they aren’t taken advantage of the newest research findings in relational science – which has recognized that some of those traditional methods simply will not work.

Why?

Because you are probably going to marriage counseling for about an hour a week, and that’s all the time and effort going into it. You may try some strategies, but there’s no real program to follow, so you don’t know where you’re headed other than hoping you’ll be “happier” together – an often vague, undefined concept.

If you’re in a relationship that has gone sour, you need to understand why you and your spouse respond to each other the way that you do. Telling you to “not yell at your spouse” does not help you clearly understand why you yell at your spouse. You may continue to think, “It’s because he/she makes me mad.”

You may do fine in the marriage counselor’s office. But then there is the rest of the week ahead that you still need to get through—with no mediator to sit between you.

A New Alternative to Counseling that Can Save Your Marriage

Also, many people don’t stick with it long enough. “We went a few times, things got better, so we stopped going.” And usually, that’s well before any new, positive habits could become implanted.

Here are two tips to help you save your marriage: they involve knowing what you are getting into in order to really save the relationship.

Tip 1: Commit to change in yourself

It’s easy to get caught up in finger-pointing: “He does this” or “She did that” and not take any ownership for your part in the marriage. The relationship is between you and your spouse, and the problems are situated right there in the middle.

If you want to save your marriage, it’s going to take changes on the part of both spouses. If you continue to point your finger at the other for all the problems in the marriage, you will both stay locked in your respective corners, going round after round until the final knockout occurs: becoming another divorce statistic.

The truth is, you will both need to make some changes in order for this to work. You both have bad habits you’ve brought into the relationship, or fell into as a couple. And, if your spouse feels stuck in the idea that they do not need to change, you may need to take the leadership role and do what you can to create new ways of communicating with your spouse.

Tip 2: Self-assessment

Commit to keeping an open mind about the part you play in your marriage. This means you will need to assess how you behave toward your spouse—something that is easier said than done. When it comes to your spouse, are you:

•    Speaking disrespectfully to him or her?

•    Taking your spouse for granted?

•    Tuning out/not listening?

•    Displaying irritability/anger?

•    Needing to be in the right all the time?

•    Practicing passive-aggressiveness?

This is just a small sampling of characteristics. Another way of looking at it is, “Would I talk to or treat my best friend the way I do my spouse?” Most of us can’t say that we would. So, analyze what’s different in how you treat your spouse from how you treat others—including perfect strangers.

My best to you as you and your work to save your marriage, whether on your own or if you decide to try marriage counseling.

Have you considered marriage counseling?

What is your opinion on how well marriage counseling works?

Have you gone to marriage counseling? What was your experience?

Please share your ideas and personal experiences on this topic with other members of the community.

Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,

Stephanie Anderson

Editor-in-Chief

Marriage Sherpa"

To speak with one of our coaches or sign up for the Relationship BootCamp go to www.marriagehelpcenters.com