A Laugh A Day Keeps More Than The Doctor Away

Want more energy, joy and health in your life? Laughter truly is one of the best medicines. There are no crazy side-effects to worry about, it's all-natural, completely organic, gluten & lactose free and it doesn't cost a penny! There are amazing emotional, mental, physical and social benefits to laughing and all it takes is making a little effort to take time in your day to enjoy yourself and have a little giggle, chuckle or a full-blown belly howl. 

Laughter is the Best Medicine

THE HEALTH BENEFITS OF HUMOR AND LAUGHTER

Humor is infectious. The sound of roaring laughter is far more contagious than any cough, sniffle, or sneeze. When laughter is shared, it binds people together and increases happiness and intimacy. In addition to the domino effect of joy and amusement, laughter also triggers healthy physical changes in the body. Humor and laughter strengthen your immune system, boost your energy, diminish pain, and protect you from the damaging effects of stress. Best of all, this priceless medicine is fun, free, and easy to use.

Laughter is strong medicine for mind and body

“Your sense of humor is one of the most powerful tools you have to make certain that your daily mood and emotional state support good health.”

~ Paul E. McGhee, Ph.D.

Laughter is a powerful antidote to stress, pain, and conflict. Nothing works faster or more dependably to bring your mind and body back into balance than a good laugh. Humor lightens your burdens, inspires hopes, connects you to others, and keeps you grounded, focused, and alert.

With so much power to heal and renew, the ability to laugh easily and frequently is a tremendous resource for surmounting problems, enhancing your relationships, and supporting both physical and emotional health.

Laughter is good for your health

• Laughter relaxes the whole body. A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after.
• Laughter boosts the immune system. Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease.
• Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain.
• Laughter protects the heart. Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems.

The Benefits of Laughter
Physical Health Benefits: Boosts immunity Lowers stress hormones Decreases pain Relaxes your muscles Prevents heart disease	Mental Health Benefits: Adds joy and zest to life Eases anxiety and fear Relieves stress Improves mood Enhances resilience	Social Benefits: Strengthens relationships Attracts others to us Enhances teamwork Helps defuse conflict Promotes group bonding

Laughter and humor help you stay emotionally healthy

Laughter makes you feel good. And the good feeling that you get when you laugh remains with you even after the laughter subsides. Humor helps you keep a positive, optimistic outlook through difficult situations, disappointments, and loss.

More than just a respite from sadness and pain, laughter gives you the courage and strength to find new sources of meaning and hope. Even in the most difficult of times, a laugh–or even simply a smile–can go a long way toward making you feel better. And laughter really is contagious—just hearing laughter primes your brain and readies you to smile and join in the fun.

The link between laughter and mental health

• Laughter dissolves distressing emotions. You can’t feel anxious, angry, or sad when you’re laughing.
• Laughter helps you relax and recharge. It reduces stress and increases energy, enabling you to stay focused and accomplish more.
• Humor shifts perspective, allowing you to see situations in a more realistic, less threatening light. A humorous perspective creates psychological distance, which can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed.

The social benefits of humor and laughter

Humor and playful communication strengthen our relationships by triggering positive feelings and fostering emotional connection. When we laugh with one another, a positive bond is created. This bond acts as a strong buffer against stress, disagreements, and disappointment.

Laughing with others is more powerful than laughing alone

Creating opportunities to laugh

• Watch a funny movie or TV show.
• Go to a comedy club.
• Read the funny pages.
• Seek out funny people.
• Share a good joke or a funny story.
• Check out your bookstore’s humor section.
• Host game night with friends.
• Play with a pet.
• Go to a “laughter yoga” class.
• Goof around with children.
• Do something silly.
• Make time for fun activities (e.g. bowling, miniature golfing, karaoke).

Shared laughter is one of the most effective tools for keeping relationships fresh and exciting. All emotional sharing builds strong and lasting relationship bonds, but sharing laughter and play also adds joy, vitality, and resilience. And humor is a powerful and effective way to heal resentments, disagreements, and hurts. Laughter unites people during difficult times.

Incorporating more humor and play into your daily interactions can improve the quality of your love relationships— as well as your connections with co-workers, family members, and friends. Using humor and laughter in relationships allows you to:

• Be more spontaneous. Humor gets you out of your head and away from your troubles.
• Let go of defensiveness. Laughter helps you forget judgments, criticisms, and doubts.
• Release inhibitions. Your fear of holding back and holding on are set aside.
• Express your true feelings. Deeply felt emotions are allowed to rise to the surface.

Bringing more humor and laughter into your life

Want to bring the fun? Get a pet…

Most of us have experienced the joy of playing with a furry friend, and pets are a rewarding way to bring more laughter and joy into your life. But did you know that having a pet is also good for your mental and physical health? Studies show that pets can protect you depression, stress, and even heart disease.

Laughter is your birthright, a natural part of life that is innate and inborn. Infants begin smiling during the first weeks of life and laugh out loud within months of being born. Even if you did not grow up in a household where laughter was a common sound, you can learn to laugh at any stage of life.

Begin by setting aside special times to seek out humor and laughter, as you might with working out, and build from there. Eventually, you’ll want to incorporate humor and laughter into the fabric of your life, finding it naturally in everything you do.

Here are some ways to start:

• Smile. Smiling is the beginning of laughter. Like laughter, it’s contagious. Pioneers in “laugh therapy,” find it’s possible to laugh without even experiencing a funny event. The same holds for smiling. When you look at someone or see something even mildly pleasing, practice smiling.
• Count your blessings. Literally make a list. The simple act of considering the good things in your life will distance you from negative thoughts that are a barrier to humor and laughter. When you’re in a state of sadness, you have further to travel to get to humor and laughter.
• When you hear laughter, move toward it. Sometimes humor and laughter are private, a shared joke among a small group, but usually not. More often, people are very happy to share something funny because it gives them an opportunity to laugh again and feed off the humor you find in it. When you hear laughter, seek it out and ask, “What’s funny?”
• Spend time with fun, playful people. These are people who laugh easily–both at themselves and at life’s absurdities–and who routinely find the humor in everyday events. Their playful point of view and laughter are contagious.
• Bring humor into conversations. Ask people, “What’s the funniest thing that happened to you today? This week? In your life?”

Developing your sense of humor: Take yourself less seriously

One essential characteristic that helps us laugh is not taking ourselves too seriously. We’ve all known the classic tight-jawed sourpuss who takes everything with deathly seriousness and never laughs at anything. No fun there!

Some events are clearly sad and not occasions for laughter. But most events in life don’t carry an overwhelming sense of either sadness or delight. They fall into the gray zone of ordinary life–giving you the choice to laugh or not.

Ways to help yourself see the lighter side of life:

• Laugh at yourself. Share your embarrassing moments. The best way to take yourself less seriously is to talk about times when you took yourself too seriously.
• Attempt to laugh at situations rather than bemoan them. Look for the humor in a bad situation, and uncover the irony and absurdity of life. This will help improve your mood and the mood of those around you.
• Surround yourself with reminders to lighten up. Keep a toy on your desk or in your car. Put up a funny poster in your office. Choose a computer screensaver that makes you laugh. Frame photos of you and your family or friends having fun.
• Keep things in perspective. Many things in life are beyond your control—particularly the behavior of other people. While you might think taking the weight of the world on your shoulders is admirable, in the long run it’s unrealistic, unproductive, unhealthy, and even egotistical.
• Deal with your stress. Stress is a major impediment to humor and laughter.
• Pay attention to children and emulate them. They are the experts on playing, taking life lightly, and laughing.

Checklist for lightening up

When you find yourself taken over by what seems to be a horrible problem, ask these questions:

• Is it really worth getting upset over?
• Is it worth upsetting others?
• Is it that important?

• Is it that bad?
• Is the situation irreparable?
• Is it really your problem?

Using humor and play to overcome challenges and enhance your life

The ability to laugh, play, and have fun with others not only makes life more enjoyable but also helps you solve problems, connect with others, and be more creative. People who incorporate humor and play into their daily lives find that it renews them and all of their relationships.

Life brings challenges that can either get the best of you or become playthings for your imagination. When you “become the problem” and take yourself too seriously, it can be hard to think outside the box and find new solutions. But when you play with the problem, you can often transform it into an opportunity for creative learning.

Playing with problems seems to come naturally to children. When they are confused or afraid, they make their problems into a game, giving them a sense of control and an opportunity to experiment with new solutions. Interacting with others in playful ways helps you retain this creative ability.

Here are two examples of people who took everyday problems and turned them around through laughter and play:

Roy, a semi-retired businessman, was excited to finally have time to devote to golf, his favorite sport. But the more he played, the less he enjoyed himself. Although his game had improved dramatically, he got angry with himself over every mistake. Roy wisely realized that his golfing buddies affected his attitude, so he stopped playing with people who took the game too seriously. When he played with friends who focused more on having fun than on their scores, he was less critical of himself. Now golfing was as enjoyable as Roy hoped it would be. He scored better without working harder. And the brighter outlook he was getting from his companions and the game spread to other parts of his life, including his work.

Jane worked at home designing greeting cards, a job she used to love but now felt had become routine. Two little girls who loved to draw and paint lived next door. Eventually, Jane invited the girls in to play with all the art supplies she had. At first, she just watched, but in time she joined in. Laughing, coloring, and playing pretend with the little girls transformed Jane’s life. Not only did playing with them end her loneliness and mild boredom, it sparked her imagination and helped her artwork flourish. Best of all, it rekindled the playfulness and spark in Jane’s relationship with her husband.

As laughter, humor, and play become an integrated part of your life, your creativity will flourish and new discoveries for playing with friends, coworkers, acquaintances, and loved ones will occur to you daily. Humor takes you to a higher place where you can view the world from a more relaxed, positive, creative, joyful, and balanced perspective
.

Article taken from http://www.helpguide.org/life/humor_laughter_health.htm on Wednesday April 18, 2012

For more tips on marriage, relationships, health and Living Above the Line visit us at www.marriagehelpcenters.com and receive a free 30 minute coaching call. 

Could Getting a Cup of Tea for Your Spouse Save Your Marriage? Studies Point to Yes!

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The secret to a happy marriage? Small acts of kindness

SARAH HAMPSON

From Monday's Globe and Mail

Published Sunday, Jan. 08, 2012 4:00PM 

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Forget the expensive bauble he gave you over the holidays. And it’s not about the trip your wife promised. Nor is it a matter of who wears the pants in the family.

The secret to marital happiness is as simple as making your spouse tea in the morning. Turning down his side of the bed. Giving her a back rub.

Small acts of kindness are not just what we should be practising in the world at large, it would seem, but also right in our homes.

The generous marriage has a much greater chance of being a happy one.

That’s the finding of a recent study by the University of Virginia’s National Marriage Project, examining the role of generosity in marriages. Defined as “the virtue of giving good things to one’s spouse freely and abundantly,” such thoughtfulness adds a new dimension to our understanding of how couples can build a strong, stable partnership, say the researchers. Their questions were directed in three areas. Did spouses offer small kindnesses to each other? Did they regularly express affection? Were they able to forgive? The researchers claim that this is the first empirical study of generosity.

A happy marriage is not just about satisfying sex, in other words. (Although, of course, it’s about that, too.)

In fact, sexual satisfaction came first as the factor that cements a partnership, followed by a sense of commitment. Generosity was third. Other factors include a positive attitude about raising children, social support from friends and family and spirituality within marriage. All 2,870 couples studied had children.

Undertaken in co-operation with the Center for Marriage and Families at the Institute for American Values, an organization headed up by Elizabeth Marquardt, a famously pro-marriage family scholar who argued in her book,Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce, that even amicable divorces profoundly shape the lives of children in negative ways, the study set out to counter what it calls “the increasingly individualistic tenor of modern life.”

In that way, the study can be seen as another backlash against the popular divorce culture, not unlike books such as Mark O’Connell’s The Marriage Benefit: The Surprising Rewards of Staying Together and Maggie Scarf’sSeptember Songs: The Good News about Marriage in the Later Years which criticized the consumerist attitude in modern marriage – the idea that if a partner no longer pleases you as he did when you first acquired him, you promptly trade him in for a different model.

“Since the 1970s and the advent of the Me Generation in North America, there’s been a stress on seeing marriages as a vehicle for fulfilling individual needs as opposed to (at least in part) an opportunity to serve your spouse on a regular basis, something that is good for both you and your partner,” comments W. Bradford Wilcox, associate professor of sociology at the University of Virginia. As marriage came under scrutiny in the wake of feminism, the focus of most academic study was on issues of gender equality, he notes.

And yet the Holy Grail of the equitable marriage is far trickier to find than a hot cup of tea for your beloved. Among those parents with high scores on the generosity scale, 50 per cent reported their marriage as “very happy.” Among those with lower generosity scores, only 14 per cent claimed to be “very happy.”

“It’s signaling to someone that you want to go above and beyond the call of duty. On a regular basis, it’s signaling that you value them,” says Prof. Wilcox. “It’s really little acts of service that don’t cost a huge amount.”

Feeling appreciated goes a long way to making someone feel good, even if he does have to clean up the kitchen every night. But it’s not about positive reinforcement, the researchers quickly point out. “Generosity is often motivated by a desire to benefit one’s spouse, not to receive reciprocal benefits,” they write in the study.

A generous marriage makes both the giver and the receiver happy. Kind acts help engender a sense of gratitude, which research shows is linked to positive feelings. And the giver benefits from the altruism, another important factor in studies of well-being.

It may seem self-evident – a basic part of being human. But generosity toward loved ones or even friends is often overlooked these days. “Part of it is that people are very busy,” Prof. Wilcox says in a telephone interview. “They’re on their Facebook page or watching TV, and there’s little free time to devote attention elsewhere.” It may also be a function of the child-focused family model, in which helicopter parents spend more time devoted to nurturing their children’s talents and interests than they do cultivating their marriage.

All marriages are opaque, but this study parts the curtain a little bit on those private, domestic behaviours that make partnerships strong. It’s a welcome respite from the popular pastime of cooing over celebrity marriages, seemingly made in heaven, as a couple canoodles on the red carpet only weeks, or even days, before announcing their split.

As a culture we underrate the importance of kindness in our romantic relationships. We think it’s about how “hot” someone is, what kind of car they drive or what someone does for a living. We are enamoured of the grand gesture – being whisked away on a Caribbean holiday at short notice. But the study shows it’s not the big displays of affection but rather the small, frequent, even mundane, ones that matter.

Which reminds me of something Helen Gurley Brown, the former editor of Cosmopolitan, once said to me in an interview. “Forget the charmer,” she advised, wagging a finely manicured finger. “Go for the man who is your best friend.”

For intensive relationship and marriage help go to 

www.MarriageHelpCenters.com or www.RelationshipBootCamp.com or www.CouplesRetreat.com 

Recommended by Dr. Phil and featured on Gene Simmons Family Jewels, The Relationship BootCamp and Exclusive Couples Retreat get to the root of marriage issues and begin to heal the hurt from the past to be able to embrace the future. Walk away with healthy communication skills, a new perspective in life, and more compassion and understanding for others and yourself. These are life changing programs for you, your relationships and your family. Register today!

Is Nagging Killing Your Marriage?

If you follow me on Twitter (@MHCenters), you may have seen a tweet a few days ago that said "LADIES: Don't talk to your man like he's a 5 yr old in public places. So degrading #buildhimup #sonaggy #yourenothismom #embarrassing". This little rant of a tweet came about while I was at Starbucks, waiting patiently in line behind a young married couple and I was absolutely appalled by how she was speaking to him. He simply asked her what she would like to drink before she left to use the ladies room and her response was given like she was trying to explain rocket science to a toddler. She was EXPECTING him to get her order wrong. In fact, she was so sure he'd mess up that she decided to stay and even place his order for him like she was his mother. I immediately noticed his shoulders shrink down and a look of embarrassment come over his face. She had taken every ounce of 'man' out of him within a few seconds. My assumption is that the lesson he learned that day was "Don't try to do anything nice for your wife because you're going to mess it up anyway." I'm sure her intention was not to emasculate her husband, however this was most definitely the result of her actions. 


Does your nagging build up your partner's self-confidence and make them feel trusted? Or is it tearing them down to the point where they don't even bother trying any more? Has nagging caused bitterness and resentment to build up in your relationship? Do you hate being a nag, but feel that when you don't nothing gets done? I found this great little article about communication and how to stop nagging at http://blog.poweroftwomarriage.com/2012/02/marriage-issues/ that I think makes some great points. It's also a great follow-up to our previous blog How To Have A Healthy Argument, which outlines, step by step, how to have open and honest communication in your relationship, without ending up in a screaming match. If you have been through the Relationship BootCamp, you will recognize some of this from the "What I desire..." exercise.


This article makes a great point about understanding your partner's motivations and feelings and how to take that into consideration when you need to get something done.

Marriage Issues: How to stop nagging before it kills your marriage

Posted on February 16, 2012 in categories: Communication, Marriage in the News and Naomi. 0 Comments

Nagging is one of the most debilitating marriage issues, right up there with adultery as a leading cause of divorce, says Wall Street Journal columnist Elizabeth Bernstein.Nagging is a pattern of negative communication in a relationship. One person asks for something and receives either a vague response or silence. The asking continues, inciting more resistance in the other person.

According to Bernstein’s research, women are more prone to nag because they are conditioned to feel responsible for managing home life. They are also more sensitive to signs that there is something wrong with their spouse. A vague or non-response from their spouse tends to worry women, and so they continue asking. An anxious, obsessive, or highly organized personality of any gender will be more inclined to nag.At the same time, nagees report feeling scolded like a child, not being trusted to be responsible, and having their needs and way of doing things unappreciated. Many couples begin fighting about nagging  and end up ignoring the core issues underneath–each individual’s concerns and needs.

Here are some tips for dealing with nagging before it becomes one of your worst marriage issues:

1. Admit you are part of the problem.When it comes to the nagging cycle, both parties are guilty and both have work to do to solve their marriage issues. The good news is, there are many steps you can take to find win-win solutions that will leave you both satisfied.

2. When you ask for things, try to frame your request in the least aggressive way possible. The wife in the article began using Post-it notes with funny messages from, for example, the sink that needed unclogging. By communicating through notes instead of face-to-face her husband didn’t feel so attacked and stressed.

3. Try an experiment. Ask once, give a reasonable deadline, and then wait–no more asking in between! Chances are, your spouse will end up accomplishing the task. This may help you realize that he/she does things at his/her own pace, and your requests do get honored in the end. If he doesn’t follow through, you two need to site down and talk about expectations. Begin by explaining your own feelings –how you feel let down and frustrated when something that matters to you is left undone–to avoid being accusatory. Remain open-minded and interested to hear his side of the story.

4. For repeated things that need to get done, such as chores, make a written agreement of how and when each task will be accomplished. Explain to each other what you are willing and able to do each week, and how you prefer to have it done. If you disagree about something, remember to look deep into your underlying reason behind your opinion–don’t get stuck on one solution to your concern when you can find another solution that works for both of you!

Working through nagging issues involves much learning about “what makes the other person tick.” You will grow closer from the process and your marriage will grow stronger!

To register for the Relationship BootCamp, The Exclusive Couples Retreat or to sign up for coaching, please visit us at www.MarriageHelpCenters.com 

Make Love Your Lifestyle

People talk about falling in love, losing at love and looking for love. What if you could have a more permanent living arrangement with love that was not dependent on another person?

This means making love into a lifestyle rather than a life event.  And it has great personal benefits. According to Carol McCloud, author of Have You Filled A Bucket Today?, those “who learn to express kindness and love lead happier lives.” What if you were to incorporate a caring attitude and made a genuine effort to show value towards others every day?

Here are 10 sure-fire ways to make love into a lifestyle:

1. Express gratitude every day! By being thankful, you train yourself to look at the positive things in your life and appreciate their value. Thanking someone for what they have done or for who they are not only boosts your levels of happiness…but lifts the other person’s happiness too! Gratitude is always appreciated whether it is spoken or written in a special note!
2. Listen like a real friend! Rather than giving advice, give people an ear. Instead of just hearing a person’s words, put yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. Empathy is difficult at first, but it is a powerful skill that really transforms relationships.
3. Be first to apologize! There are times that you may say the wrong thing, forget to call when you said you would, carry a joke too far, or simply make an unintentional mistake. We all do it. As soon as you know that you have wronged someone, take responsibility for your actions and apologize!  Forgiveness and restoration create stronger bonds of trust.
4. Nurture relationships! Reach out to your loved ones for some quality time. Make a habit of inviting neighbors for dinner, having coffee with friends, or reading a book with your kids. Whatever it takes, especially in this digital age, create positive face-to-face experiences with others.
5. Express love verbally! Let people know you care about them. Your parents, partner, children, and family or friends want to know how much they mean to you. With a simple “I love you” or specific reasons why you admire them, you can make their day, their week, their month.  It can also be very contagious.
6. Be a giver for other’s sake! Your community needs a helping hand. Many lives are touched when volunteers step in. Send cards to sick kids through Hugs and Hope, shop online through a charity shopping portal such as Greater Good, find ways to volunteer online at CharityGuide.org. Other great organizations like the Union Gospel Mission in the Vancouver area http://www.ugm.ca/ or you can be a Training Assistant (TA) at the next Relationship BootCamp (BootCamp Dates) Find more ideas >>>
7. Learn to handle conflict! People deal with conflict differently. Some avoid it. Others look for someone to blame. And some people blow up at the situation. None of these are effective ways to handle conflict. In fact, most people need to learn effective ways to manage conflict in their relationships. Learn to manage conflict, communicate more effectively, and enrich your life by taking The Relationship BootCamp
8. Be the initiator! Grab your phone and call someone just to say “hello”.  Or text them to check in on how they’re doing.  Write an email to share your appreciation for someone you want to thank, cook a healthy meal for a friend, offer to babysit for a parent who needs a break, give hugs, bring home flowers, rub a loved one’s back, or bake a treat and take it to the office. Get creative with how you initiate love!
9. Learn from the past! During a time of grief, or desolation, it is highly important to see the silver lining. In fact, 70 to 80 percent of those that have lost a loved one express some benefit in their experience. A truly hard time can teach a valuable lesson. Take some time to reflect on what people in your past have taught you about love.
10. Love yourself! Make time for yourself. Learn to unwind and relax. Accept yourself for who you are. Make new goals and go after them. Do things that lift you up, that builds your self-esteem, and boosts your own happiness.

Carrying out a lifestyle of love opens up new possibilities and potentially happy outcomes. Looking for ways to find happiness and connection boosts that positive energy we all need on those gloomy days.

Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to show we care to the ones we love, it’s about reducing our limits when reaching out to others and giving them a hand—a bit of our attention, some of our time, and an extra slice of effort.

Use Valentine’s Day, the day of love, to kick start your new lifestyle of showing love and appreciation!

What ideas do you have to make love a lifestyle? How do you show your loved ones you care?

Keep the Love Alive in Your Life:

• Good Read for the Family: Growing Up with a Bucket Full of Happiness: Three Rules for a Happier Life >>>
• Read: 5 Selfish Reasons to Give Thanks To Others >>>
• Learn effective communication skills at Relationship BootCamp

Written by Lucinda Loveland – Copyright (C) 2011 Healthy Relationships California

Is Your Partner a Mind Reader?

No? Then why do we often behave as if they are? 

How will they know what you want if you don't tell them? Are your expectations leaving you hurt and disappointed? Maybe you feel like you've told them what you want a million times... or that it's less 'romantic' if you have to ask for what you want?!? Here are a few things for you to consider:

1) Maybe your partner feels like YOU don't give them what THEY want either, but you think you are fulfilling their every need. 

2) It may be the way you are 'asking' for what you want. Do they get defensive? Or misunderstand? They may feel attacked or inadequate because they aren't fulfilling your 'demands'.

3) Have you shut down the lines of communication? Stopped 'bothering' to talk about it because, really, what's the point? 

If any of these points comes close to describing how you're feeling or the situation you're in, this is a really great exercise to try. This is a great way to share with your partner what you truly DESIRE in your relationship. What if you could truly have a fulfilling and healthy relationship? What if you could share your desires with your partner? What if you could really fulfill their desires? That is what relationships are all about.

For this assignment please do two things: 1) set aside time to ask your spouse these question, and then 2) really LISTEN to your spouse’s response. Assuming you “know” what they think and feel will lead to disaster! Even if it is with a grain of salt, LISTEN as your spouse explains to you what life is like–in their world…in their thoughts…in their feelings–because there are TWO of you in this marriage (not just you and what you expect).

So first, read over the questions and organize your own answers honestly and thoroughly. Be transparent so that your spouse sees the True You…but also please don’t forget to be kind. Second, one of you answer all of the questions, one-at-a-time, out loud. While one of you is answering, the other should only listen or ask clarifying questions. Then switch roles and the second spouse answers all of the questions, one-at-a-time, out loud…and while he/she is answering, the other should only listen or ask clarifying questions.

Here are the questions (from “Getting to Know Your Spouse Better” by Brent A. Barlow on the Family Dynamics Institute website) :

• In our marriage, I feel loved when you …
• In our marriage, I feel appreciated when you …
• In our marriage, I am happiest when …
• In our marriage, I am saddest when …
• In our marriage, I am angriest when …
• In our marriage, I would like more …
• In our marriage, I would like less …
• In our marriage, I feel awkward when …
• In our marriage, I feel uneasy when …
• In our marriage, I feel excited when …
• In our marriage, I feel close to you when …
• In our marriage, I feel distant from you when …
• In our marriage, I feel most afraid when …
• My greatest concern/fear about our marriage is …
• What I like most about myself is …
• What I dislike most about myself is …
• The feelings that I have the most difficulty sharing with you are …
• The feelings that I can share most easily with you are …
• Our marriage could be greatly improved with just a little effort if we …
• The one thing in our marriage that needs the most immediate attention is …
• The best thing about our marriage is …

Portions of this article taken from the http://affaircare.com/ website, February 6, 2012

To sign up for coaching or the Relationship BootCamp go to www.MarriageHelpCenters.com

If you found this article helpful please "share" it! 

How to Raise a Husband-To-Be

Since I coach young children and teens, I often have parents asking me what they should be doing differently. I often tell the story in the Relationship BootCamp of how my dad used to take me on dates. This is one of my most memorable experiences as a child; getting all dressed up, having him open the car door for me, holding my hand proudly as we walked down the street, pulling out my chair, and giving me little tid-bits of how a gentleman should treat a lady. Of course we talked about school, friends, and all the little things going on in my life, but what I remember is him setting a standard for me, teaching me about what I deserved. But I think what stood out to me more was that he did all of these things for my mom when he was with her; he treated her like a lady too. So if I can leave all you parents with one piece of advice today, it is to "date" to your kids. Spend quality time with them, show them they are worthy of your time, and more importantly, invest into their self-esteem. What kind of legacy do you want to leave?

-Jenny Konkin

This is a great article I found on Oprah.com for how to raise your sons to be the men that we would want to marry. 

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Good-Parenting-Tips-How-to-Raise-a-Good-Son/1 

(January 9, 2012)

Attention mothers of sons: Women of the future are counting on you. Valerie Monroe tells how to bring up a good, kind, happy, mindful, nongrunting husband-to-be.

                                         

I was describing in prodigious, enthusiastic detail the trip to Japan from which I'd just returned with my then 15-year-old son. "And he's so much fun to travel with," I went on to my patient friend. "His observations were really interesting, and when we met new people, he was such a good listener, and he seemed willing to try almost anything," I said.

"Well, of course he's a fine companion," my friend said. "You raised him to be."

I felt a sharp urge to deny that, as if she'd accused me of something selfish. But I have raised a boy who's smart and observant, sensitive and kind, who listens well and is remarkably honest and articulate about the way he feels.

Lest you think I'm bragging—oh, never mind, I am bragging—there are many more mothers like me who've broken what William Pollack, PhD, calls the boy code, the persistent, largely unspoken but pervasive belief that we should bring up boys to be stoic, to hide their feelings, to become quickly independent of their parents (their mothers especially). In short, not to be like girls. Pollack, assistant clinical professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, and author of Real Boys, believes that for boys to be happy and healthy, they must be allowed to have feelings, to show empathy, to be able to express the range of emotions encouraged in girls. Until I had a son, I thought, well, naturally you want to raise your child—boy or girl—to have a full emotional life. Then I tried to. And I discovered that there's a big difference between believing a boy should show his feelings freely and actually having a boy who does.

When my best friend's older son and my son were both around three, her boy delighted in swathing himself in glittery tulle and prancing around with a fairy wand. My friend took it in stride, providing generous amounts of fabric and making aesthetic improvements—more sparkles, a bigger star on the wand, etc.—to her son's great and often delirious satisfaction. On the face of it, I supported her and her boy, but I confess I was also relieved that my son didn't express quite the same level of interest. It was such a small thing: A boy, barely out of babyhood, innocently enraptured by clouds of tulle—why was it even the slightest bit threatening to me? For the same reason that when my mother (an adoring grandmother in every way) saw my son weepy with hurt feelings when he was ten, she asked me reprovingly, "Do you think it's good for him to be so sensitive?" Or that when a friend who noticed him at 14 snuggling with me on the couch later asked, "Is he interested in girls yet?" A sensitive, affectionate boy risks being perceived as a "mama's boy, tied to her apron strings." Isn't it interesting that we have no such phrases to describe a girl who is attached to her mother? And that "daddy's girl" completely lacks the pejorative connotation?

My mother's and friend's questions scared me because they suggested that the closeness between me and my son was in some way inhibiting his path to a healthy manhood. Should I have sent him signals that I expected him to reject the intimate bond established between us? There are many reasons mothers might feel the need to withdraw from their sons, says Olga Silverstein, family therapist and author of The Courage to Raise Good Men. We're afraid that we'll contaminate our boys with "female" qualities. We believe that boys must grow away from their families, and so we want to protect ourselves and our sons from the inevitable pain of separation. We think we're incapable of modeling qualities important to becoming a man, or that our closeness will make him homosexual. Or we believe that because he is male, he is unknowable to us, or that our affection and bond will be construed as seductive.

It's absolutely necessary to shift the way we think of those qualities we call feminine," says Silverstein. "As a culture, we perceive empathy, nurturance, talent for friendship and relationship as belonging only to women and less valuable than independence and other kinds of strengths traditionally associated with men," she says. "Women have to believe that feminine strengths are valuable not just in women but in humans. Then we won't worry about feminizing boys." This isn't to say that we shouldn't respect the differences between boys and girls, whatever we perceive them to be. But the idea of defining male and female as opposites (as we do in this culture) is misguided and leads us into trouble, Silverstein says, because it implies that boys must not only separate from their mothers but reject the qualities associated with them. Does this sound unfair? Even misogynistic?

We know what we get when a boy is raised with the code, says Pollack: a mask of masculinity, false bravado, the need to be aggressive and to win, and to ignore or repress feelings of vulnerability. These are the men who seem strong but who are, ironically, weakest in many ways because they're hiding or are unaware of their neediness and are poorly equipped to engage in any kind of honest relationship. But those boys who get affection, love, respect, and compassion, grow up whole, not unconsciously seeking what they needed from their parents. I see these boys everywhere among my son's friends. They have pals who are girls. They are friendly with their mothers. They like their mothers.

One afternoon when my son was a senior in high school, a group of his friends gathered in our living room to play video games. From the kitchen, I was aware of a sea of voices, deep and loud. Exclamations of playful frustration and surprise rose and fell in waves, over a steady undercurrent of exchange about schoolwork and teachers. After a while, I waded into their midst. They all glanced over at me.

"Hi, Reid's mom," one of them said.

I had a question for them, I said, related to a story I was writing: "You guys are 18, right?" I said. "Do you still tell your mothers that you love them?"

There was an earsplitting commotion as the game players wiped out the enemy. The playing stopped and silence swept the room. I stood there uncomfortably.

"Well, sure," one of the boys said finally.

"Of course," said another.

"Why not?" said a third.

A fourth boy, whose mother is a doctor, stretched his legs and leaned back in his chair. "My mother raised me and my brother and sister pretty much by herself," he said. "My mother is a goddess." No one snickered. It was a statement of fact.

How did our boys turn out like this? Silverstein suggests some important ways to ensure that our sons grow into whole human beings. We must continue to talk to them about our feelings and their own and not let them get away with putting us off. We should not be afraid to demonstrate our affection or anger or disapproval. We need to be honest about what we like and don't like about the way they act, supporting empathy, self-knowledge, and respect for feminine qualities. We can help them understand that both men and women can model how to raise a good person.

A child who is fully and deeply loved, who learns to acknowledge his feelings and is well equipped to express them, and who learns to take responsibility for his actions, to value compassion and live it daily—this is the boy who will grow into a man who'll make a loving companion. That's good for the woman he marries. Even better for the man he becomes. 

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Good-Parenting-Tips-How-to-Raise-a-Good-Son/2#ixzz1j0bl7BPj

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